1.  Great couples care deeply for each other. Their actions toward each other prove that they care deeply.  It is more than words. 

The words they speak to each other are continually played out in their actions toward one another. 

They are always there for each other and have each other’s backs.  They do not allow others to speak badly about or act badly toward either of them.  They are respectful toward each other even when they disagree. 

2.  Great couples not only care deeply for one another they express that care often both privately and publicly. Neither partner is one way in public and totally different when alone with their spouse.  They speak well of one another when in public and in private.  They also express kindness toward one another when no one else is watching.  They don’t always have to agree, but they learn how to manage their anger and frustrations in such a way as to not obliterate one another when they are upset. 

3.  Great couples learn to protect one another.

They are looking out for one another on a regular basis. 

They check in on each other just to see how they are doing and if they need anything or just to say “I love you and I know you can get through your difficult day!”  They never put one another intentionally in harm’s way.  They work together on projects and again check in to make sure that the other is ok with whatever they are doing.  They ask questions such as “Do you need anything from me?” or “Do you need my help?”  This is not begrudgingly done but is done because they want to protect and do whatever they can to lighten the load for one another.

4.  Great couples have learned to listen to each other. They are willing to stop what they are doing and really pay attention to what the other is saying.  Listening is not as easy as most people believe it to be.  You probably think that you can do many things and still hear what someone is trying to say, but sadly, you miss a lot of what is being said because you are too busy with your own stuff to stop and really attend to the other.  Great couples have learned that real communication is about stopping and listening to one another. They listen for the words used, the feelings behind the words, and ask if there is something they can do to help their spouse.

5.  Great couples have figured out conflict resolution that works for the two of them.

Even great couples have times when they do not agree. 

They have times of conflict but have figured out how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way.  Frequently, couples choose to either to clam up or blow up at each other when conflict arises.  One person may clam up and pull away while the other goes ballistic, yelling and screaming and saying all types of unkind things.  Sometimes both people choose to continue to raise their voices and scream and yell at each other.  Nothing gets accomplished with this type of arguing or with the clamming up type of disagreement.  When couples choose  to clam up or one of them chooses to clam up, they might go for days or weeks without really communicating with each other.  They may discuss, briefly, what is going on with the kids or what the schedule of events is but never really talk about what the disagreement is about.  After awhile, they begin talking to each other and pretend the issue doesn’t  exist.  The problem with this thinking is that the problem is not resolved and has gone underground to be fueled and brought up during the next disagreement.  Great couples don’t let this happen.  They work at resolving conflict as it comes up.  They learn what works best for them.   It may be that they have to take breaks or time outs during their discussions.  They agree to come back to the discussion in a reasonable amount of time and try again. 

They learn how to give toward each other and not become stubborn and dig in and expect to always get their way. 

They learn to make some decisions together and try them out.  They agree to come back to the drawing table and start again if something doesn’t work.  They also learn to each take responsibility for their part in the conflict and don’t play the “blame game.”

6.  Great couples praise and thank one another all the time. They use their manners with one another.  Manners are not just for use with people outside the home. Manners are for all of us to use all of the time with everyone!!!!! Saying please to your spouse is a big deal and saying thank you is also a big deal. Couples expect their children to use good manners and to be polite to each other and to their parents, as well as when they are away from home.  Children are taught by example.  Couples who want their children to be mannerly must show how to be mannerly by being mannerly toward each other.  People often become complacent and rattle off commands or demands without asking in a polite way.  They also forget to say thank you for things that seem to be routine or mundane, but a thank you for fixing dinner or making the breakfast shakes or doing the grocery shopping or the laundry, going to work, taking care of the children, etc can really help each person to feel appreciated for the things they do. 

It is also important to praise one another when you see that your spouse has done something really well or tried something that was really hard for them, or made a meal that really “rang the bell,” etc. 

Unsolicited praise that is sincere really can boost one’s morale and can help one to keep persevering at something that is difficult.  Great couples have learned the significance of using praise appropriately and also manners.  They make a choice to work hard at showing appreciation and praise as often as they can. 

7.  Great couples make it their business to find out what is important to one another and then make it a practice to do those things often. Many times the things that are important to another person are not a priority to you or even on your radar at all.  When you marry, it  becomes part of your life together to get to know your spouse even better than you believe you already do.  When your spouse expresses an interest in something or a need for something in the marriage relationship, it becomes important to pay attention and do whatever is necessary to help your spouse in those areas.  You don’t have to be a superhuman and do everything perfectly all the time.  That is not the objective. 

The objective is to pay attention and to make some things happen for your spouse even if you are not the least bit interested in them. 

One somewhat simple example is bringing your wife flowers, just because.  Often she is thinking she would love to have flowers but maybe you don’t have a clue.  If she talks about it, then you know that it is important to her.  It could be that your spouse is really into some sport and you could take it or leave it. However, it becomes important for you to show some interest in it either by participating or by at least giving some support and encouragement to them.  These are only two examples, but obviously, there are many other things that can be a part of this. 

8.  Great couples have learned how to be honest with each other about their thoughts and feelings.

Great couples are able to express their thoughts and feelings to each other without fearing the other person’s reactions to them. 

They don’t fear not being listened to or heard, being put down, their spouse becoming defensive, etc.  It is hard to learn how to listen and not become reactive to what someone else is thinking or feeling.  Often, people feel the need to defend themselves and come up with all the reasons why the other person is wrong to think or feel what they are thinking or feeling.  Sometimes in that defensive mode, a person also becomes demeaning toward the other.  When these kinds of things happen, people tend to not share much about what they are thinking or feeling.  They may begin to hide things and hide the truth about a situation.  They may convince themselves that it is ok to “lie” about something or leave out some of the details so as to avoid someone else’s reaction to the truth.  Great couples work hard at learning how to communicate truthfully with one another in a loving caring way.  They learn to speak the truth in love not to hurt the other person but to build each other up.  

If you would like to become a great couple but are having some difficulty developing the qualities of a great couple, we can certainly work with you to help you figure that out.  We have experience and expertise in the area of being a great couple.  We don’t have all the answers and don’t always hit the mark ourselves, but we are definitely learning how to be a great couple and how to maintain that in our marriage.  We are very open to sharing that with other couples to help them have more successful marriages and to become really great couples. 

If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post The 8 Qualities Of A Great Couple appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

The answer to “what to do if you’re parenting alone in a marriage” can vary depending on why you may find yourself parenting alone.

Sometimes couples have very different parenting styles which may lead to one person doing the parenting. 

Are you parenting alone because the two of you have differing parenting styles? 

It would be good to spend some time evaluating whether or not you have pushed the other parent out of the parenting role or whether the other parent just quit parenting because of the frustration felt related to your differences.  If you have pushed the other parent away from taking an active role in parenting or frustrated that parent so much that he/she has given up and deferred the parenting to you, is it because you believe that your style is the right one and the other parent is totally wrong in how he/she would choose to parent?  The two of you need to take some time to discuss the differences on your styles and where those differences may have originated.

Realistically, you may both need to discard some of what you think about parenting and then work together to develop a style that works for both of you. 

This is not something that you do in front of the children; this is something you work on away from them. Then you present a united front to your children. 

Children need to know that their parents are on the same page with their parenting.  It gives your children added security to know that both of their parents care about what they are doing and where they are headed in life.  There is no perfect parenting style but there is parenting that helps your children to grow up knowing how to set boundaries and live by them and knowing how to make good choices and to understand that there are consequences when they choose to do something that is not good or right.

Sometimes you may find yourself alone in the parenting process because of your circumstances. 

Possibly the other parent is working the kind of job that keeps him/her away from home long hours or for days or weeks at a time.  Sometimes one parent may be very ill and is not able to do the kind of parenting the two of you together would do.  It is still important that you both spend some time discussing how you will parent and determine that you are both on the same page with it.  Then let your children know that you are united in how you are choosing to parent even when you or the other parent may not be available to help in the actual day to day parenting.  

There are times when one parent has absolutely no interest in the parenting role and has abdicated that role completely to the other parent. 

This is a situation that happened a lot in the past but still happens today.  There are times when one parent is not interested in what anyone in the family does.  Often it is the father, but not always.  That parent may have grown up in a family where there really was an absent parent.  That parent may have been in the same house with the family, but not participated at all or very little with the everyday family life.  The belief is that “we will parent how we were parented!” 

So, if you came from a family where one parent was not actively involved in your growing up, that may be how you begin to parent your children. 

It doesn’t have to stay that way unless you choose to parent exactly like you were parented! 

If that other parent makes a conscious effort to change and wants to become more involved, will you let him/her do that?  Sometimes you may determine that you really don’t want the other parent involved in your parenting. It could be that you are afraid of a repeat performance of how that person was parented – such as repeating physical abuse or dictating orders to the children all the time and making life miserable for everyone! 

Yet, there are times you feel alone in your parenting and want the other person to step in and you ask for help but then push that person away or put that person down in front of the kids.  He or she gets so frustrated and feels that there is such a mixed message that they pull away completely. 

Are you really willing to let the other parent be involved in parenting or not or have you intentionally or unintentionally blocked the other parent from becoming involved in the parenting process? 

Have you taught your children to dismiss whatever the other parent has to say to them and only seek you out?

If you, as a parent, have tried over and over again to get the other parent involved in the parenting process and have not succeeded, you have to determine whether you can and are willing to be a single parent and not be angry about it.  If it is difficult for you to deal with, then seek help for yourself not with the idea that the other person will change if you go to a professional but that you will learn how to manage the parenting role alone and be OK with it. 

If problems in parenting have hurt your marriage and interfered with your family, we can help put you back on a healing path.  Dr. Debbie McFadden is the mother of 4 successful married adult children and has counseled parents for the past 25 years.  Dr. Debbie will help you determine if your parenting patterns can be changed and how to best go about it. If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. She will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post What To Do When You Are Parenting Alone In A Marriage appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

There are some fears about parenting but they are ready to take that step. They become very excited about the future and what having children will mean to them. Then the day arrives and the first child is born. What a glorious day! They have been anticipating this for a long time! The stay in the hospital is short and now it is time to take baby home and really begin being a family.

But being a family isn’t always as easy as it sounds!

Baby is very demanding and cries a lot and is awake when you want to sleep! The husband/father can’t figure out why his wife is so tired and doesn’t want to do the things she used to do. Every time he asks her to go somewhere or spend time with him, the little person who has invaded the house needs something!

The couple begins to drift apart, not intentionally, but because of the demands on time, especially on the wife’s/mother’s time. It seems the couple has no time to themselves anymore. Everyone is too tired at the end of the day to think of trying to spend any quality time together.

There is the thought that “we used to spend time going out together or watching TV together or just talking to each other. We don’t do any of that anymore.” Everything we do revolves around the baby or, as we add to the family, all the kids! Mom runs this one to soccer practice and dad runs this one to hockey or ballet. Plus, we have to make sure that the homework gets done and each child is progressing in school.

Each child added to the family takes more and more time away from the couple.

The energy involved in taking care of everyone is intense. There is no time for self-care or couple care. Often the husband/father gets jealous of the children because he doesn’t have his wife anymore. He feels left out.

This leads to conflict between the couple. Most of the time, the husband is at work all day and the wife is managing the household and possibly working outside the home as well. She is exhausted and he can’t figure out why! After all, he has worked all day and all she’s done is take care of the kids. Didn’t she pressure him to have these kids in the first place! He loves the kids, but really, it shouldn’t be that hard!

The couple often has conflict related to parenting styles.

She wants him to step up and be a part of what goes on with the kids and discipline them but, frequently doesn’t like how he does it. She may step in and take over when he is attempting to discipline or work with the kids. He becomes resentful and feels she doesn’t think he can do the job as well as she can. They enter into conflict over how they parent. They may even have that conflict in front of the kids. Now the kids know how to get what they want by playing one against the other.

Parenting also creates some financial burdens that the couple may not have considered early on. It takes more income to provide for a family than it does to provide for just the couple.

Children need food, shelter, clothing, toys, education, etc. Parents usually want their children to participate in some kind of sport or extra activity like dance, gymnastics, etc. All of these extra- curricular activities cost money. Parents often sacrifice much so that their children can do these things. They are also concerned with the future and that means, for many, providing money for college. The list can go on and on.

It is important for couples to discuss and continue to discuss how they will manage all of the issues that come up related to having children and how that will affect their marriage relationship.

• Make sure that neither of you becomes defensive in your discussion of the children.
• Couples have to become intentional about making time for each other in the midst of raising their children. If the only way to make it happen is to write it on the calendar, then that is exactly what they have to do.
• Make appointments to spend time together and treat those appointments as if they are the most important appointments you have. These appointments must not be moved or canceled because something else comes up!
• Taking care of the couple is the most important part of the marriage. If mom and dad are secure in their relationship, the children will feel secure as well. They will see how important the marriage is to their parents and feel the closeness that is part of that relationship.

Children are a true blessing to our lives. They can and do bring us great pleasure and joy. If we maintain open communication with one another and work at building the marriage relationship along with parenting, we will enjoy not only a successful family but a successful marriage relationship. It is possible to have both a great marriage and a great family! Both take a great deal of work and effort, but it is truly worth it.

Parenting is rarely easy, but always worth the effort as you see your children grow. You don’t have to struggle alone, we can help. If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post How Parenting Affects Your Marriage appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

Parenting is difficult and does not come with a manual. Often we have made decisions about what our parenting will look like based on our own experiences growing up. However, the bottom line is we will parent the way we were parented.

We may vow that we will never ever do what our parents did or didn’t do. But, unless we are intentional about making changes, we will find ourselves doing the very same things that our parents did as we parent our children.

Let’s take a look at four different parenting styles.

Authoritarian:

This style of parenting says, “I am in control and you will listen to me and do as I say no matter what!” The parent who is in control often is like a policeman. There are rules set and you better follow them, or else!

Often that parent will not allow for the children to express any kind of emotion. The only allowable emotion is shown by that controlling parent. No one else is allowed to display any emotion at all. Children who cry are often told, “Keep it up and I will give you something to cry about!”

This controlling parent may yell and scream at the children about seemingly small issues such as book bags left out or shoes worn in the house or clothes not neatly put away or hung up. This parent will often expect perfection from children in the form of grades, manners, doing chores, etc. “Children are to be seen and not heard!”

Most everyone in the family walks on eggshells around this person and hopes and prays they won’t have an ugly encounter with him/her.

Permissive:

This style of parenting is at the opposite end of the spectrum from the authoritarian parenting. This style of parenting leaves the children on their own to basically parent themselves.

Often parents who have been the victims of authoritarianism decide they will let their children choose everything for themselves. There is no parental control at all. Children come and go as they please. There are no limits set for them at all.

They can be as messy or as neat as they wish. They are allowed to speak disrespectfully to their parents, to each other, to their friends, and to other adults. They believe they are entitled to get whatever they desire when they desire it and that no one has the right to deny them.

Authoritative:

This type of parenting is more balanced. Parents recognize and encourage the achievements of their children. They actually place a premium on cooperation. They encourage their children toward excellence but not perfection.

An authoritative parent will let children know that failure is not fatal and that they can actually learn more when something fails. They will expect the best from their children but that best is not being perfect! Children are held accountable for their actions and know that consequences are part of that.

Often parents let reality be the teacher and don’t even need to consequence certain behaviors. Parents lead by example. It is not a “do as I say not as I do” environment. Children are allowed to express themselves and to express emotions appropriately.

Parents put their relationship with their children before the rules. They will spend time talking about issues when it is appropriate. These parents set limits or boundaries for their children knowing that they need them even when they don’t necessarily like them. The parents are still in charge and responsible for the well-being of their children, but they recognize that their children are people too and have emotions and thoughts and ideas.

The parents have the final say in things because children don’t necessarily know what is best for them or the wisest thing to do. Parents allow their children the freedom to make choices and to make mistakes.

Helicopter:

There is another style of parenting that has emerged over time and that is helicopter parenting. This type of parenting is somewhere between the authoritarian and permissive styles of parenting. The helicopter parent spends a great deal of time running the children’s lives.

That parent makes all the decisions for the children and continually runs interference for the children so that they do not have to suffer any consequences for behavior and so that they can hopefully be assured of straight A report cards and get into the most prestigious colleges.

This parent is a perfectionist and expects the children to follow suit. This type of parenting also produces children who believe they are entitled to everything without doing the work, who believe that it is ok to be disrespectful and to expect others to do for them always.

Often, children are disillusioned by this type of parenting because they feel they have no say in anything and never learn how to make decisions for themselves. They frequently become totally dependent upon the parent to manage everything for them even when they reach adulthood.

Couples can successfully navigate their marriages as parents by being firm but fair, asking for and giving respect, learning from mistakes that are made, setting limits for their children, and “walking the walk not just talking the talk!”

If you are having difficulty figuring out how to successfully navigate your marriage as parents, please give us a call 630-333-3202. We offer clients a free 15-20 minute consultation to explore what’s happening and see if there are simple solutions you can apply right now. If the issue is deeper, we can discuss what’s possible and how we can help. 

The post Understanding Parenting Styles & Navigating Parenting As Marriage Partners appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

Debbie and I have a GREAT relationship together.  We by no means have the perfect marriage, but we both agree that most of the time it really is great.  We like being together, spend a lot of time together and do lots of activities together.  We have fun being together, virtually every day. 

Here are some things that we learned in the process of becoming a great couple:

• Make the decision together that your marriage is going to be awesome.Start at the beginning with a decision that no matter what, the two of you are going to have a great and an awesome marriage.  Make the decision!  Make the decision together!  Sit down together or go on a walk together and talk about your marriage.  Make a joint agreement that your marriage is going to be great regardless of the things that life throws at you. 
  
  The first step is making a commitment that the two of you will be awesome together.
  
  
• Think and plan ahead ways each of you individually and together can nurture your relationship!  This will not be a one-time event but rather an ongoing process.  Great marriages require forethought and planning.  If you do not think and plan ahead and thereby protect your time together as a couple to do the things you both enjoy, other people and other priorities will fill up your life quickly. You will find you have no time for each other.  
  
  You will need to learn how to build this into your lives and your thinking so that you are continually planning ahead and deliberately setting aside time for ONLY the two of you.  Make it a priority.  Learn how to always keep it on the radar and in your schedule.
  
  
• Understand that it is not selfish to protect, nurture and continually work at building your marriage.  We have learned that there is a great payoff for making the relationship a priority and keeping it one.  Life is not always easy. When “Life Happens;” it can sometimes be difficult and painful.  Having a spouse who not only “gets you,” but whom you know is also solidly in your corner and on your side is a HUGE help and blessing.  
  
  You can each handle about anything that happens in life when you have done the hard work to make and maintain a great marriage.
  
  
• Make it a priority to express gratitude frequently. I did not come from a family that expressed gratitude much, so I did not learn how to do it very well.  I actually learned this from our son.  As a young boy, I would hear our son thank his mom for supper, tell her how good it was and thank her for many other things.  It really impressed me, and I decided that I needed to learn how to do that too.  
  
  We now thank each other many times each day, many times just for some of the simple things that one of us does for the other – such as bringing a cup of coffee to the home office, or getting out the vitamins for the next day, or getting the bed ready, etc., etc.  Even though we do it all the time now, it has not gotten old, it still feels good every time I hear it and puts a little money in the bank with me for the next time I take on a small task for my wife.
  
  
• Conduct an annual review.  Years ago I used a daytimer type product called Geodex, long since gone.  There was a page titled “Life Goal Planner,” and it had very important areas of life listed.  There was a place to write a few goals in each area, a spot to put the target date, and also a place to list how the goal would be measured.  
  
  We have always had an annual review of our marriage, family and life.  I will write more about this in another blog at another time, but we both are convinced that this has been a key ingredient in helping us to live up to our decision many years ago to have a great marriage.  Come up with a plan for a review of your relationship.  It is a time to dream dreams and make big plans and to chart mid-course corrections.
  
  
• Read one marriage book and or attend one marriage seminar at least every other year. Even the best relationships have room for growth.  You need new input and challenges in order to keep growing.  Find a good book on marriage at least every other year, and get the workbook if there is one.  Read the book and highlight it. Make notes about the things you want to bring into your relationship. You will find that it breathes new life and energy into your marriage.  
  
  If you want a list of good books to choose from, just drop me an email and ask for our book list.  You will also benefit from attending a good marriage seminar every few years.  Put it on your list. When you hear about one, check it out and put it in your schedule.  We conduct marriage seminars a couple of times a year, usually in the Midwest.  Sign up for our newsletter, and you will see any coming events we have planned.
  
  
• Decide to be as positive with each other as you can be. As counselors, we would often hear one spouse say to the other, “you are turning out to be just like your mother, or that is just like your dad.”  Whenever we heard that being said, it was NEVER a good sign.  
  
  That statement was always a remark about some negative trait in the other spouse’s parent that both spouses hated.  It was always a dig, a put down and a very negative way to portray the other spouse.  Everyone has picked up traits that result in negative responses and reactions.  It is your job to be aware of the things you are doing that bring negativity into the relationship and work at rooting them out.
  
  
• Learn how to resolve conflict quickly with minimal messiness.  It is not realistic to think that there will never be conflict in a relationship – even in a GREAT marriage.  While it is difficult at times to predict what will result in causing a conflict, it is predictable that there will be conflict from time to time.  Great couples learn how to resolve conflict quickly and not allow it to drag on and on.  Great couples make a commitment to learning how this works in their particular relationship and the find that it gets better and better as time goes on.  
  
  Conflicts don’t flare up as often or become as big and don’t last as long.  We accepted long ago that conflicts between us can be a little messy, but we have learned how to keep them shorter, resolve them faster and not allow them to get as messy as in the past.  You can do the same. As you do so, you will be well on your way to becoming a Great Couple.  We have other blogs and articles on conflict that can give you some guidance.

Great marriages are always a “work in progress.”  To be a great couple involves a commitment from both of you. It requires you to subsequently continue work on the relationship resulting from both a husband and wife that have placed a priority on nurturing their marriage.

We have been in the business of being a great couple for 40+ years. We have spent our entire professional lives helping others find it too.  If you are stuck in a marriage that is unfulfilling and keeps holding out hope that it can turn a corner, now is the time to take a step in that direction.  Call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation to learn more about your situation and to find out if we are a good fit to help you have a GREAT marriage.

The post How To Become A Great Couple appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

We would have trouble counting the times we have encountered this issue with couples we have helped over the years.  The question we hear after listening to the description of a boring marriage is often twofold.  1.  We hear the questions, Can we turn this marriage around and 2.  How do we improve our marriage?

Our answer is YES – you can turn your marriage around. There are definite steps you need to take to improve your relationship and bring new life to a boring marriage. 

To do so the following steps will help.

• You acknowledge that your marriage is not OK, in fact, that it is boring. It is better if both of you agree that this is true and more difficult (although not impossible to change it) if only one of you believes this.  
  
  
• At least one of you needs to be committed to changing things.  A simple acknowledgment that you are bored in your marriage will not change anything.  If there is to be new life breathed into your relationship, it will require effort from at least one of you.  
  
  It will take a determined commitment to break out of old patterns that have been a way of life for many years.  If you want change, you HAVE TO make a decision that you will do the work needed.
  
  
• It will help if your spouse will agree to “play along” with your efforts at change. As stated before, it is much better if both spouses are involved in the process of improving your marriage.  However, if only one of you is assuming the majority of the responsibility of initiating change, you need agreement from your spouse to “play along” with you. 
  
  You need your spouse to agree to join you in the change that you are working to bring to the marriage.  
  
  
• You must identify and break up some of the old routines. One reason that things can become boring is that we do the same things in the same way month after month and year after year.  
  
  What are patterns and routines each of you practice that keep you apart, shut out the other or just don’t have much meaning any longer.  Break up those routines with new ideas and ways of doing things.  This may even require you to give up something that has been a part of your life but prevents you from doing something together.  
  
  Don’t feel that you have to give it up completely, but initiate some change.
  
  
• You need to agree to honestly encourage each other to step out of your comfort zones.  Genuine change in the relationship may require each of you to step out of your comfort zones to try or to get involved in something new.  
  
  Your resistance to do this in the past may be one of the contributing factors to your boring marriage.  To change it, you have to change, and you MUST be willing to try things you may have resisted in the past.
  
  
• You need to do something different. The patterns of thinking and behavior the two of you have exhibited so far have brought on boredom over the years.  Now is the time to try something different.  
  
  Even if the thing you try turns out to be the wrong thing, it still created some traction for your marriage.  Keep moving and turn things in the right direction and do something different.
  
  
• Agree on a list of new things that you are both willing to try.  If you truly are going to break out of boredom and improve your marriage, it is crucial that you compile a list of new things to do.  This may include activities that you will try, places to visit, and ideas that are outside of your former thought patterns.  
  
  Start a list; put every idea down even if it initially doesn’t seem attractive to one of you.  Check the activity pages in the local newspaper.  Check online for things that are going on in your area or in a place that you want to visit.  
  
  Create a BIG list over time and then discuss the ones you both are willing to try.
  
  
• Compile a calendar of things you are BOTH committed to doing together. A critical part of the process is now making the plans for WHEN you will begin trying something new.  
  
  You have a list.  Pick something and set aside the time to do it.  Now pick another and schedule it in your calendar.  Set the calendar for several months in advance so that other things don’t get in the way of your effort to improve your marriage.

Good marriages are worth the effort.  Getting stuck in a boring marriage does not have to be a forever thing.  Changing a marriage and improving it takes work, but you BOTH will find it was worth it if you will take the steps listed here.  Once things begin to improve in your marriage, keep up the good work and avoid falling back into the old habits that caused a tiresome and lackluster relationship.

If you and your spouse are struggling in this area, have tried to get unstuck and have had not made any progress, we can help.  Before things get any worse, give us a call at 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We’ll help you figure out how you can break out of the boredom you’re currently feeling in your marriage and turn things around for good.   

The post 8 Ways To Improve A Marriage That Has Become Boring appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

If we do a good job of it, she won’t want to leave.  If we do a medium job of it, she is likely to stay put.  If we do a poor job of it, she may struggle with leaving, but will someday pull it off.  If we put a priority on making the place next to us as the best place for her in the world (at least most of the time) she will never want to leave.

• Next To You Will Be A Great Place To Be When:  You know you are determined to make it the best place.  Now that you are familiar with this saying, and if it makes sense to you – make a conscious decision that you will do your best to make next to you the best place to be.  As a veteran of 43 years of marriage, AND from a couple of decades of experience in counseling couples; I know that it pays off.  
  
  That is right – guys – there is a payoff to taking care of your wife.  When she feels loved and cared for and feels safe and secure in the relationship – she will want to take care of your concerns and needs as well.  While there are always exceptions to every rule, the rule I found to be true more times than not is that a wife who knows and feels she is loved will not have difficulty loving back.  Make a decision, be intentional about ensuring that the place right next to you is the place your wife wants to be.  The next few steps will give some guidance.
  
  
• Next To You Will Be A Great Place To Be When:  You have made strides at eliminating the things that cause your spouse to want to move out of that place.  Most women are not that difficult or complicated to understand – at least on many levels.  Women are usually clear about the things that they don’t like or want to be changed in their marriage.  
  
  Men do not always pay attention or give it enough credibility but, by and large, most women have a way of letting their man know when they are unhappy, unsatisfied, disappointed, scared or feel overburdened with responsibility.  There is an old joke in which a man says “Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in three places.”  The Doctor responds, “Well, then stay out of those places!”  
  
  Pay attention to the things that hurt, annoy, disappoint and crush your spouse and then work hard at eliminating them from your marriage. 
  
  
• Next To You Will Be A Great Place To Be When:  You continue to work at communicating effectively with your spouse.  It seems like almost every couple we have worked with in our counseling practice has indicated that they need help with communication when they seek help.  There are so many reasons that this is true.  
  
  It may have to do with our background, family of origin, previous relationship experiences, hurts we have endured inability to clearly state a problem and on and on it goes.  It is common for couples to have problems at times in communicating clearly to each other.  If you want your wife to desire to stay next to you, learn how to communicate your thoughts and feelings clearly to her.  
  
  While you are at it, learn to do it in a way that is not offensive, brash and “in your face.”  She wants you to talk to her like she is your friend – just like you did years ago when you first spent time together.  If necessary get a good book on the topic or attend a marriage seminar and ramp up your ability to listen to and talk to her.
  
  
• Next To You Will Be A Great Place To Be When:  You have placed a priority on doing the things your spouse needs in order to feel loved.  An assignment we have sometimes given to couples is to make a list of “The Top Ten Caring Things You Could Do For Your Spouse.”  Without asking her about it, what things could you jot down right now that you have heard that she would like from you?  
  
  Take some time and compile the list over the course of a week or so.  Listen to what she says she would like, the ways you could help out, the things that would mean a lot to her.  It could range from taking out the trash and bringing in the mail to taking charge of supper, cleaning up the dished or arranging for her to have a night out.  Give it some thought, pay a little attention and she will lead you right to her list – you just have to pay attention and listen.
  
  
• Next To You Will Be A Great Place To Be When:  You conduct occasional “Best Place” reviews and make any mid-course corrections that are needed.  Specify a date night or even better, do this on an overnight or weekend getaway.  Set aside some time in which each of you has 15 to 20 minutes to think about your lives, marriage, and family.  
  
  Write down some thoughts about your expectations, desires, dreams and vision of the future.  Note also the things that need attention in order to bring them up to par.  You should discuss areas such as career satisfaction, wealth and financial goals, housing, personal development, close personal relationships, how your children are doing in life and others that are important to each of you.  
  
  Do this at least once a year and make it a positive and forward-looking exercise and not a gripe session.

As a husband, you have a lot of power in creating a life together with your wife that is satisfying and fulfilling for BOTH of you.  You can’t fix everything that is going on inside of her and it is not your job to do so.  You can work on the things that you have control over that affect her sense of well-being.  As you give attention to that goal you are in truth constructing a spot that she will never want to leave.

If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post The Best Place To Be… Quotes On A Happy Marriage appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

My thing was that I would never be a yeller like my dad.  However, I found myself yelling at my kids when things seemed to be totally out of control.  I know that was a difficult thing for my husband because he was not used to people yelling.  He had a hard time with me letting myself get to the point of becoming that yelling person!

 How do marriages survive when parenting styles collide?  I am here to tell you that marriages can and do survive even when your parenting styles may be somewhat different and begin to collide.  However, you have to do some intentional work to make it happen.

Do you talk to your kids or do you yell?  Do you spank or swat?  Do you time your kid out?  Do you enforce bedtime or are you more “loosey goosey” about it?  Maybe your spouse has a very different way of looking at parenting than you do and you find yourselves on a collision course when you try to parent. 

Here are 6 things you can do for your marriage to survive when your parenting styles collide.

1. Share common goals and strategies.

• You can’t assume that the other person is just going to do things your way or that your way is the best way. There needs to be open and honest communication between the two of you. 
• Talk about the expectations you have of your spouse and of your kids, and of how you believe things in your home will run smoothly.  
• Talk openly and honestly about your fears, too.  Maybe your fears are about yourself and how you might parent because of parenting you had or maybe those fears are related to things your spouse has told you about his/her upbringing.
• Talk through what you may think is unrealistic in the expectations and talk about how you want to approach parenting together. 
• Come up with goals for how you desire to discipline and the kinds of consequences that you believe would be appropriate. 
• Strategize how you might handle certain situations that come up with your children.  Periodically review how things are going and discuss if you need to make some changes. 

1. Learn how to stand back to back, united as parents. 

• Your children will push the limits because that is what children do.  You as parents need to figure out how to be a united front so that your children don’t succeed when they attempt to pit one parent against the other. 
• Work together as a team and recognize that you are on the same team.
• Your ultimate goal for your children is that they become successful, happy, content adults.  They have a better chance of becoming successful adults if you are united as parents when it comes to discipline, consequences and setting appropriate boundaries for them. 
• Perfect parents don’t exist. Parents do mess up sometimes. Be willing to admit when you have messed up and work toward doing better the next time. 
• Help your spouse by having his/her back when you are dealing with issues in parenting.  Even if you, as spouses, don’t always agree, stand together. 

1. Listen to each other and especially listen for what is most important to your spouse.

• Sometimes, when you have had a bad day parenting, you may need to vent to your spouse.  You may need to talk through the things that have happened with the children throughout the day.  You need someone who will listen and be supportive and encouraging to you as opposed to someone who finds fault with your style of parenting.
• Often people think or believe that they are super good listeners.  Usually, they are wrong in that belief.  Everyone can do a better job at listening to one another and paying attention to what is really going on, and listen for what is most important to the other person.
• Once you have fully listened (which can’t be done if you’re distracted), then ask if there is something you can do to help or make it better.  Your spouse may just feel better having been able to talk about it and feeling she/he has been heard.  Or, the two of you may need to strategize how to handle the problems that have come up.
• Communicating with one another on a regular basis is most important when it comes to how to parent the children. 

1. Don’t run interference for the children.

• It is not okay to jump into what the other parent is doing when disciplining unless that parent asks you to help. 
• You must learn how not to interfere even if you think things should be handled in a different manner.  This teaches your children that you are not a united front.  They will figure out how to get what they want by going to the other parent if they are not satisfied with the answer from one. 
• If you aren’t united, they will know which parent will respond to them the way they want!  The children aren’t little devils seeking to destroy.  They are doing what children do and attempting to get their own way or skirt around something they don’t want to do or don’t like.
• If your children know that you are not working as a team but are at odds with one another in the realm of parenting, they may attempt to get you arguing with each other so they can go and do whatever they want. 
• Arguing doesn’t solve the problem.  It allows it to continue. 

1. Don’t correct one another in front of the children.

• If you don’t agree with your spouse about how he/she is handling a situation with the children, discuss it when you are alone and not in the presence of the children.
• If an issue is critical, you may need to excuse yourselves from the presence of your children and go to another part of the house to discuss the issue and come to some type of agreement about it. 
• A helpful approach is looking at the actual situation and brainstorming ideas on how to manage it – whether that is setting limits or consequencing behavior, etc.
• It is never a good idea to discuss the issues you might have with your spouse related to a child or the children in their presence.
• Once you have time to discuss things together, the two of you can go to your child or children and talk about the issue and be united in your answers or in your consequences. 

1. Be willing to seek help when you have tried all of the other steps and are still having great difficulty parenting together.  Help could come from researching an issue or reading good parenting books related to your issues or from a counselor who can help by giving you suggestions on how to move forward.  Whatever the help might be, make sure that it is not one sided but speaks to both of you.

Parenting is never easy.  There are always challenges to be faced.  Marriages don’t have to come apart because your parenting styles collide.  If you take the time to learn how to work together as members of the same team, it will strengthen your role as parents and it will strengthen your marriage relationship. 

You can have a healthy, successful marriage and a healthy, successful family life.  It won’t be without problems and challenges, but you will be much more prepared to rise to the occasion and work through those issues together.  

The post Can Marriage Survive Colliding Parenting Styles? (Hint, It’s A Yes IF Certain Things Happen) appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

 How do you successfully navigate through this time in life?  Work together as a team to help one another through the difficulties.  Talk about what all of the changes mean to each of you? You both may need to read about menopause and talk about it openly with each other.  Try to be empathetic toward each other during a time when things may seem very out of whack!

How do you even know you may be in the process of menopause? 

• Sleep issues and lower energy. Maybe you are beginning to have difficulty sleeping which is a problem you never had before.
• Feelings of anxiety, sadness and loss.  You begin to feel anxious often or sadness more often, or a deep sense of loss. You need to understand that you are not going crazy!  This is a part of going through this “change.”  Hormones or the lack thereof do weird things to women!
• Other signs and symptoms can appear months or even years before menopause actually happens:

1. You have your own “personal summers” (hot flashes to be exact!).
2. Your moods are all over the place!
3. You find yourself getting rounder and your clothes are tighter, but you don’t think you’re eating any more or differently than you did.
4. You start to notice some not so pleasant bald spots on top of your head where there used to be hair!
5. You find that you are “sagging” in places where you were firm before!
6. You look at your skin and gasp at the dark spots that have appeared out of nowhere!
7. You can’t remember where you left your keys or why you came upstairs and begin to think, “Oh my gosh, I have Alzheimer’s!”

 “Why is it happening now?” Things in your marriage had been going ok, and now it seems that overnight, it has all changed! How can you manage these changes?

 There are some things women can do to help reduce the impact of these menopausal symptoms.

To help reduce the number of hot flashes or at least how long they last: 

1. Try dressing in layers and shed some of those layers when you start to feel overly warm. 
2. Maybe have a cold glass of water, or get to somewhere that’s cooler when having a hot flash.  This can help you cool down more quickly.
3. Try not to drink hot beverages or drink alcohol.  Stay away from eating spicy foods.  All of these things can set off a hot flash in a matter of seconds! 
4. Speaking of hot flashes, I think that men often don’t quite get how women feel when a hot flash is coming on or when they are in the midst of one.  One time I was describing to my husband how one of my clients was having a hot flash and was trying to cool down.  She and her husband were at church and her husband said to her that she was just being too dramatic!  That may be how it seems to your husband, but the reality is that it is dramatic.  I described it to my husband as feeling like you are wrapped in plastic wrap and you are suffocating.  All you want to do is get out of the clothes that are confining you and/or the space where you are!!

• Get enough sleep (I know that it is so difficult to sleep sometimes during menopause.  All I wanted to do was get a good night’s sleep but sleep evaded me for months).

1. One helpful hint is to avoid caffeine late in the day or in the evening and also avoid drinking too much alcohol. 
2. It is best to exercise during the day and not right before bedtime. 
3. Sometimes you may need a sleep aid of some sort either over the counter or prescribed by your doctor to help you sleep.  It hopefully is not a forever thing, but it sure can be problematic when it’s happening to you.

• Try using relaxation techniques. Deep breathing, massage, and/or progressive muscle relaxation can help relieve menopausal symptoms. You can find a number of books and CDs on different relaxation exercises. Not all relaxation methods work for everyone so it is important to try some different ones to find one or more that work for you.  Don’t give up when something doesn’t work.  Keep searching.  It may take awhile, but you will find a technique that works for you.
• Eat a more balanced diet. Eating more healthy foods can help manage your symptoms better. You may need to take some extra vitamins and supplements along with your diet to help you with these symptoms.  Rather than trying to figure out which ones you may need, you need to bite the bullet and go see your doctor or naturopathic doctor.  She can help you decide which supplements you may need.
• Make exercise a part of your regular routine. Get moving and keep moving.  This is something that married couples can do together.  It not only will help your menopausal symptoms, but will bring you closer together with your marriage partner.

It is always important for couples to be aware of any of the signs and symptoms of menopause and not be afraid to talk about them and also seek professional help from a physician and possibly a therapist who can help them navigate through all of the changes. 

If symptoms bother you, don’t hesitate to get help for them.  There are many treatments available to you including simply adjusting your lifestyle. Know that it does get better – symptoms subside and episodes may not occur as frequently or be as severe.

In life “pain is inevitable; misery is an option!” Choose to maintain your sense of humor throughout changes you face in your life and seek help when it feels like these changes are becoming too overwhelming for you and your spouse!! 

Life happens and these changes are inevitable, but it is what you choose to do that makes the difference. You can embrace the changes and have a great time together or you can sink into a miserable place. The choice is yours.

 Let me tell you that life doesn’t end and marriages don’t end just because you are changing physically and emotionally.  You can actually be better than you have ever been, but the choice is definitely yours to make.  Choose to “live simply, laugh often, and love deeply” as you make your way through this time in your life.

If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. Together we can figure out how to help your marriage as you go through menopause so it’s less of a burden on your life and more of a transitional time that’s normal and natural for your both. On our call, we can discuss what it’s like to work with me or us as a couple. You will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about the best next steps to get you the help and support you need.

The post Your Marriage Can Survive Menopause. Here’s How appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.