1.  Parenting can affect your marriage for the better because you learn what it means to be a team working together, planning together, and playing together. You will have to communicate with each other and really consider how you are going to parent your child or children.  What parenting style will work best for both of you and present you as a united front to your children. 

It is not about one person having all the “right” answers or always being “right” in the way parenting should be done. 

It is about working together as a team to figure out what parts of how you were parented will become part of what the two of you do and what parts of the way you were parented that you will both choose to let go of and work hard at not parenting your children that way.  You will find common ground to operate from and will both be willing to go “back to the drawing board” if something doesn’t work as you had planned.  You learn to work together to plan time for your family and to also plan time for the couple.  It will become even more difficult to make things happen for the couple but working together and being intentional about it, you will be able to plan some time to be by yourselves as a couple.  You learn how to work together to perform certain tasks and take on certain responsibilities related to child rearing.  By doing this revisiting your communication related to thoughts and feelings about the designated tasks and/or responsibilities, you can avoid resentment building in your relationship.  You will also learn to play together as parents. 

Parenting helps you to keep nurturing that “inner child” you have, the one that enjoys playing.  It is so important to take time to play. 

Playing should include time playing with your children, your spouse and pursuing some individual play time.  Playing is not about only playing with the children or only playing together as spouses or only playing individually.  It is about sharing time with everyone and enjoying that time and making the most of it.

2.  Parenting can affect your marriage for the better because you learn how to celebrate & rejoice together as you watch this new life develop, personality grow, etc. You both need to be involved in celebrating and rejoicing together the new life that is now a part of your lives together. This new life can and will present some challenges for your marriage , but there can be a great deal of excitement over watching a little person grow and develop.  Sometimes you may see some things in your child that you know your child has learned from you and are not so good. 

You have an opportunity to grow and change yourself so as to exemplify traits that you want for your child to learn from you. 

This can be a great time of growth for you as an individual and to help you as parents grow into the kind of couple and individuals you desire not only for yourselves but for your child to see and to learn.  Each milestone your child reaches can be a time of rejoicing and celebrating.  It is so exciting to watch your child’s personality take shape and to watch them discover new things for themselves.  It is sometimes frightening to watch them discover and be creative but it is important to let them do that without becoming an overprotective, worrywart of a parent. 

They will make mistakes and will fall down but if you let them, they will become the people they have been created to be.  

3.  Parenting can affect your marriage for the better by helping each person as individuals and as a couple to be less self centered. Life is not just what you want it to be but includes the needs and desires of another little person who cannot fend for himself or herself.  It may be difficult at first to let go of satisfying your own wants or needs and possibly sacrificing those for someone else.  Usually when it is just you and your spouse; you both are able, for the most part, to get what you want when you want it.  When you are responsible for the needs of a little one, that thinking begins to change. 

Often you will need to put aside some of your wants and desires for a time in order to provide for the child or children in your home. 

Life becomes less selfish and more about being selfless.  There should be a balance in this and there also need to be boundaries established between children and parents.  It is not all about you now, but it is not all about your child or children either.  Life does not fully revolve around you anymore, but it also does not and should not revolve fully around your children.  Children have many needs that only the parents can supply, but parents also need to teach them how to become more independent as they grow older. 

The goal of parenting is to “work yourself out of a job!” 

If you have done your job as parents, the children will be better prepared to leave home when they become adults!

4.  Parenting can affect your marriage for the better because the new added stress in life is an opportunity for personal growth. You begin to learn what it means to really be an adult and be responsible for the well-being of someone else.  You learn how to manage your own emotions and your anger in a healthier way.  As you are teaching your children how to manage themselves emotionally or learning how to manage their anger, you will be in a position to check in with yourselves to see how you are doing in these areas and grow yourselves in your ability to manage your emotions, especially your anger.  Another area that parents find themselves growing in as they teach their children is being respectful. 

You cannot expect your children to be respectful if you do not demonstrate what it looks and sounds like to be respectful. 

This means that you will have to practice being respectful to others in front of them. The more you practice, the better you will be at it and the more it will become a habit for you.   Self-control is another area where you can personally grow as you teach your children what it means to have self-control.  One thing to always remember is that children will say and do what is modeled to them.  You don’t have the luxury of believing they will react positively to a “do as I say, not as I do” mentality!! Personal growth is and should be a bonus for you as you parent!

5.  Parenting can affect your marriage for the better by creating challenges that when handled properly can bring you closer together. Parenting is not easy. There is no one who is a “perfect” parent.  All parents face difficulties and make mistakes along the way.  Parenting presents many challenges that you may not have ever in a million years anticipated.  It is important to spend time as a couple talking about how you will handle certain situations when those situations arise.  It is also important to present a united front to your children so that they understand that you are working together in your parenting role.  This also allows for you, as parents, to say to your children that the two of you need to take some time to discuss answers that you may give to your children.  This helps to draw the two of you closer together.  You learn much more about being a team and that you are on the same team. 

Your goal as you work together is to help your children grow into the best adults they can be and to help them to avoid some of the pitfalls along the way (if they will listen and do what you are teaching them). 

If you work together as a team in your parenting of your children, it will also help you to work together as a team in other areas of your life.  Facing challenges is a fact of life, and if you are willing to let go of your own pride and selfishness and work together with your spouse, you can face those challenges and truly grow through them.  One of the really exciting things about doing it together is that it brings you closer together and you see how great it is to have someone who comes alongside you, encouraging you and helping you when you feel weak yourself.  Parenting is not always fun but it can be very rewarding when you work together to meet the challenges that come with it.

If you are having difficulty seeing that being a parent can actually improve your marriage, we are here to help you.  If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post 5 Ways Being A Parent Can Improve Your Marriage & Make You A Better Human Being appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

            Having a lifelong partner to share all the ups and downs of life remains a major dream, desire, and goal for most people in the USA.  A Gallup pollindicated that while the importance placed on marriage has declined slightly, only 5% of Americans have not been married and indicate they do not want to be married.

            The majority of people are married or want to be married.  Only half of us will be in a marriage that survives.  Here are some ideas that can tip the odds more strongly in favor of your marriage surviving.

1.  Your marriage has a much greater chance of surviving when you have learned how to listen to each other. At least 1/2 of the communication process is listening which involves really hearing what is being said.  There are times when it is hard to listen, such as, after a busy hard day at work or when there is a pressing issue or deadline on your mind.  If you are having trouble staying focused on the conversation, the best thing to do is to let your spouse know that what is being talked about is important to you. However, right now you can’t give the conversation the proper attention it needs and deserves.  This should be the exception rather than the rule. If that is true, it is right to give your spouse a break – or maybe switch the conversation around to let your spouse talk about what is on his/her mind – if needed. 

When you are really listening to your spouse, there are several signs. 

These signs include setting aside everything that would be a distraction, maintaining good eye contact and responding appropriately to what is being said.  As your marriage develops over time and you give attention to deepening your relationship, you will learn how to break through the communication barriers that are particular to your relationship.

2.  Your marriage is much more likely to survive if you learn how to continually grow in your ability to talk to each other. Talking involves verbally relating what we are thinking and feeling.  In a healthy marriage, you learn how to talk about the hard things that happen.  You develop the ability to let your spouse know, in a straightforward way which he/she can hear, the things that are hurting, frustrating or bothering you in the marriage.  These things are not discussed from a place of hostility, but the emotions you may be feeling DO need to be communicated honestly. 

Communication in a good marriage will at times be messy. 

It is important to learn to live with an occasional messy discussion or spat without being deliberately hurtful in the process.  Marriages that survive have learned that skill and continue to hone it.

3.  In marriages that survive, both spouses learn to communicate without making assumptions regarding what their spouses are thinking or going to say. Speaking and acting due to an assumption without truly listening to your spouse is unfair, unkind and judgmental.  Even if an assumption is largely correct, it is very off -putting when someone is telling you what you think or feel before you can even tell your story.  If you come from a place of curiosity when talking, it will enliven a conversation.  When you come from a place of assuming you already know what is going to be said, you take the life from a conversation.

4.  In marriages that not only survive, but thrive, the couple continues to date often. A marriage survives and thrives when you give it the time and attention it deserves.  Couples who don’t make it have often gotten so involved in all the activities of life that they grow far apart and barely know each other.  Matthew 6:21 states: ^”For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  The idea is that your heart will follow and be interested in the things in which you invest.  Invest money in the stock market, and you are going to be interested in how it is doing.  Invest time and energy into a house, and you are going to be interested in protecting it.  

Invest time and energy into regularly enjoying time with your spouse, and you bring life into the marriage. 

If other things (usually and honestly important things) get in the way of a regular investment in your marriage, you will find that you are growing apart rather than together.

5.  A healthy marriage is one in which both spouses give attention to being healthy and attractive for each other. Nothing in life is guaranteed and that certainly includes your health.  Illness can strike with no warning and can change things overnight.  With that being said, in marriages that survive; there is an emphasis on staying healthy and attractive for each other.  In these marriages, spouses also know that life is busy.  Because of the responsibilities of maintaining a household, caring for children, going through pregnancy, keeping up with career demands, menopause and the process of aging, bodies do age and change over time.  In surviving marriages, each spouse does the best they can to stay healthy and fit and they grant each other a lot of grace for the physical things that happen which are outside of their control.

6.  Marriages that survive a lifetime do not make the journey alone. In marriages that survive, one spouse may believe that outside help and intervention is needed, and the other spouse listens and joins in.  In the very best of marriages, life can be hard and couples can face challenges that were unexpected, unplanned and come at an inconvenient time to cope with them in a normal fashion.  Years ago we were on a week-long bike trip on our tandem.  Less than 10 minutes into the first day out, we looked at the clouds and both thought “should we stop and put on our rain gear?”  We did not stop and less than a minute later there was a heavy downpour.  We were soaked in a minute. There was no longer a need to put on the rain gear to stay dry.  We were out in the country with no place to stop and rode in hard cold rain for 25 miles before our lunch stop and the end of the rain.  The next year we took the same trip and on the first day out at exactly the same spot, we saw the sky, had the same thought about our rain gear.  We stopped and put it on.  Within minutes the rain started, and it kept up all day for our 60-mile ride.  We stayed surprisingly dry and had a fun day of riding because we were prepared. 

In marriages that survive, when one spouse is going down for the count and needs help; the other listens and engages in the process. 

Rather than putting things off too long and waiting until there is significant damage to the relationship, repairs are done as needed along the way.

7.  In long-term surviving marriages, each spouse takes an active interest in both encouraging and supporting the other’s dreams and goals. It is extremely satisfying and encouraging to know that you are on a team that wants you to succeed and will help you to do so.  It is very dissatisfying and defeating to be involved on a team where each person comparing self to others and keeping score, is jealous of the achievements of others and selfishly stands in the way of others desires.  It is often not possible to fulfill every dream or goal that you have.  The circumstances of any given season of life may stand in the way.  Even so, it breathes life into a relationship and engenders love and devotion when you know that your spouse is thinking, brainstorming and working with you to see when and how it is possible to take next steps toward a goal.  In these relationships, you can celebrate together the victories experienced along the way.  Both of you are able to celebrate individual and shared accomplishments.

8.  In the marriages that not only survive but actually thrive, there is a regular effort aimed at keeping the romance alive. In these marriages, each spouse has paid enough attention to the other to learn the things that communicate “I really care about and love you!”  The things that you consider romantic can vary from individual to individual and from couple to couple.  Through discussions, experiences and time spent together you learn what keeps the spark alive in your relationship.  Once you know what keeps the flame burning, it is vitally important to keep on doing those things. It is equally important to pay attention as to whether something is getting old and worn out and in need of a new idea.

9.  Survivors in a marriage have no doubt that they have each other’s back. Both husband and wife in the relationship believe, feel and know that they are safe in the marriage when they have each other’s back. This is a process that is learned over time.  It can often take time to get to know the things that cause your spouse to feel safe and the situations that create a feeling of needing to be protected.  Until you really get to know each other, it is not always easy to predict what will cause your spouse to feel in need of protection. 

Give your spouse time to learn what protection means to you and avoid the thought that your spouse should “just know.” 

A particular situation may feel completely safe to your spouse because your spouse has had a different life experience than you have had.  You also learn that even though a given situation may be “safe,” if it doesn’t “feel safe” to your spouse, it is not safe. Knowing this, it is time to do the things to let your spouse know you are there for him/her.

            Good marriages rarely happen by accident; they take effort, need care and require attention.  If you are not sure that your marriage is going to survive, don’t put off seeking the help you need any longer. 

If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post 9 Of The Best Marriage Survival Tips appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

One definition of passion describes it as “a strong and barely controllable emotion.” 

When our feelings of passion for another person are aroused, it is hard to think of anything other than that person with whom we are so enthralled.  That passion may have been killed by an action or actions of the other person or it may have slowly died over time.

            When passion has died in a relationship, it can not only make life boring but it can also be painful.  When attempts made to restore some passion to the relationship are ignored or rebuffed, it hurts even worse.  Once this has happened a few times, a person is often left with a decision to either live life this way and cope with it, get divorced and hope to find someone new with newfound passion, or stay married and find fulfillment elsewhere through friends, children and or grandchildren or an affair.

            Waning passion does not mean the death of a relationship or marriage.  What causes a marriage to die is the growing apathy that turns to resentment and anger.  If things don’t get addressed and changed, the friendship and companionship part of the marriage can be killed, and then a marriage will die.

            Can passion be restored in a marriage?  Yes, we believe it can be restored, but you must know that there is no magic pill or potion to make it happen.  If passion is going to be restored to a marriage; it will take a desire to restore it, ongoing effort to bring it back, and the perseverance to keep at it even when you don’t always feel like it.    

            Here are some of the steps and things involved in an effort to restore passion to a marriage. 

1.  We believe that if passion is to be restored in a marriage, a decision must be made to restore it. At least one of you has to determine that you want to get back the passion you once had.  Passion is a feeling, an emotion. There was a time you did not have to put forth any effort to experience passion in your relationship.  It was just there.  You couldn’t (and didn’t want to) turn it off.  Passion is very unlikely to just show up like it did at the beginning.  Most couples experience it dying off slowly over a period of time with many contributing factors.

To get the passion back requires a desire and a decision to get it back. 

2.  Restoring passion in a marriage requires an investment of time, energy and emotion. While passion initially is present in a relationship and does not take any thought or effort, maintaining passion in a marriage requires intentionality. It will not stay alive on its own without proper care and feeding.  Once the flames die out completely, it takes effort AND time to bring it back.  Prepare yourself that you will need to find and devote TIME and ENERGY and EMOTION to bring about change.  Keep reading to discover more information about some of the emotional energy needed.3.  Restoring passion in a marriage will require having the ability to cope with rejection and not becoming so dejected that you stop trying. Passion may not have been around for quite some time now.  Efforts you make to restore it, even in limited ways, are likely to feel awkward and not genuine at first.  The change may seem weird enough to one or both of you that there are almost reflex- like reactions by one of you to back away.  This will hurt, and it will certainly feel like rejection. However, it might be a reaction to something that is much different than your recent history together.  Don’t quit.  Take the time you need to recover.  Before entering the process, it helps to set a time limit in your mind regarding how long, how often and/or how many times you are going to try before giving up.  Start slowly, and don’t expect much response. By doing so, you will experience less pain and disappointment when and if you sense rejection. 4.  While one determined and proactive person can make a difference in a marriage, the chances of restoring passion improve dramatically if both agree to work on it. If both of you are in agreement from the beginning that things need to change, there is less chance for deep discouragement.  If something happens that causes feelings of rejection, it is easier to discuss and make adjustments when you both want the same thing.  Even if your partner is not ready to engage in restoring passion to the marriage, one of you can still start the process. 

Things have been the way they are for so long that it may be difficult for your spouse to believe that anything will really be different.

Why put in the effort if you don’t believe it is really going to bring any change. Start on your own if you have to, and at some point, your spouse will see that things really can be different.  When that happens and both of you are working at it, your marriage is on the way to recovery.5.  Restoring passion in a marriage will require changes in thoughts, patterns and behaviors. The restoration you are seeking will not happen without change, and it will require you to think creatively.  Breaking out of the patterns you are both stuck in will require changes in habits for both of you.  It requires the ability to think creatively in order to come up with new patterns and options regarding how things are done and how you relate to each other.  If you are stuck and have difficulty figuring out what to do differently, talk it over with a good friend or seek the help of a counseling professional.  As the years go by, you establish your patterns of thinking and behaving.  You can even begin to believe that we you can’t change or that you do not have the ability to think creatively.  This is not true even though it feels like it.  By talking with someone who is outside the box you live in, you have the opportunity to hear other ways of looking at the problem.  When this starts, it often awakens the creativity you have inside yourselves, and new courses of action can be developed.6.  Passion can be restored in a marriage when you are open and willing to pay the price involved to change things. The price may involve giving up something you like to do that takes too much time away from being with your spouse.  The price may involve joining in an activity that is important to your spouse but is not as important to you.  The price could require getting rid of old resentments and offering forgiveness.  The price could involve an honest and heartfelt apology for hurtful behavior and a plea for forgiveness.  The price might mean a greater openness to sexual expression and being less inhibited.  The price might involve listening to your spouse and living with the sexual boundaries that help your spouse feel safe.  The price will involve change.  

You must decide if you are willing to make the changes YOU need to make to help save your marriage and restore passion and fulfillment for both of you. 

It is also worth looking at the cost of not making the decision to change.

In a recent study designed to uncover “What Keeps Passion Alive In Long-Term Relationships”  co-author by Dr. Janet Lever noted that over 1/3 of couples keep their passion alive and well even after one, two or three decades together.  Dr. Lever found what most of us already know – but often fail to live out.  Passion will not stay alive if a marriage is on auto pilot.  For those couples who maintain it over the years, there is a conscious effort to avoid routinization of sex.  We believe that it is also important to avoid allowing all the other areas of your marriage to be set on auto pilot.

            If you have had enough related to a passionless relationship, it is time to do something that will turn things around.  This process is hard to go alone.  We can help you plot a strategy that will work in your particular situation.

If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post Is Restoring Passion To A Marriage Possible? appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

When it comes to close personal committed relationships; most of us look for, want, crave and find fulfillment in the closeness/intimacy we share with our spouse/partner.  For purposes of this article, intimacy is defined as a close, warm, friendly and affectionate relationship. For most, it includes a healthy sex life together. 

What if the intimacy is gone? Can your marriage survive without intimacy? 

The truth is that a surprising number of marriages survive without sex for a variety of reasons. The question is, can it survive without that close connection everyone seems to crave?  Truth be told, many marriages do survive with no sense of intimacy.  The question most face is this: Is it possible for them to live that way?  Can you live that way?

In many cases, a marriage does not get drained of intimacy overnight.  It is usually a gradual process happening over many years.  While a couple may experience some fits and starts in attempting to reignite some passion in their relationship, they find themselves just settling back into their routine of maintaining distant.  They may explain it away as a result of stress, a demanding job or too much to get done because of the kids and think it will get better in a few years when things settle down.

If you are currently experiencing a marriage with no real sense of intimacy, it is important to know if you can cope with this for the rest of your life or if you need things to change.  It is difficult for humans to survive without any form of intimacy.  Where do you get a sense of it . . . from the kids, from the grandkids, from a pet or from a close friend?

What are the reasons that the two of you continue to live in a relationship in which you experience no sense of intimacy?  There is usually some form of payoff that keeps you there.  What is it for you?  For some, the payoff makes it worth staying.  Does that work for you?  What if your partner decides that living without intimacy doesn’t work for them? What happens to you, will find someone else?

Can you survive if your marriage is mainly just a business? 

For some couples and some individuals that is how marriage is defined.  Each spouse has enough at stake or enough benefit from having a purely business relationship with their spouse that both have determined it is worth enduring the loss of intimacy.

One of the issues that must be faced is how do YOU define survive.  Are you in a relationship that has no intimacy, and you find your life very unhappy, unbearable and are filled with regret or resentment because it turned out this way?  If that is the case for you, can you REALLY continue living like that?  In some cases you may believe that you have no choice because of financial interdependence, the need to save face or the sense of responsibility to family.  To survive emotionally, however; you need to take some steps to aid in your survival.

You have some choices you could make regarding your marriage:

1. Do nothing. Leave things alone, do the best you can to hang in there as long as you can.  Maybe it will work out for you and maybe not . . .
2. Do something. Work on a strategy to try to change things and see if there can be acceptable improvement.
3. Do something more radical. If you have tried to fix it in the past and things are too unbearable for you and your spouse is getting their needs met elsewhere, perhaps it is time to end the marriage.

Have you given up on things ever improving in your intimacy deprived marriage?  Does it just seem too hard?  Have failed attempts at making things better brought you to a place of hopelessness?  Is it too discouraging to even think of putting effort into your relationship?  If that is the case for you, it really is a terrible place to be.

What efforts have you made through the years to try to get over the hurdles and roadblocks which have built up between the two of you? Have you ever sought outside intervention through friends, family members or a trained professional? Receiving little or no outside help, must have been terribly hard for both of you if you haven’t been able to make that happen.

Before you resign yourself to a life without intimacy OR call it quits, think about getting help to see if it can change. 

If it is likely to end, consider what you have to lose by spending some time, energy and money to determine if positive change is possible.  Spend some time thinking it through and determine a strategy of talking it over with your spouse.  Would the two of you be able to make a commitment to spending six months working on the marriage by seeking out the best help available to you?

If you are tired of existing in a relationship that has no real intimacy and want to work at changing things, we are here to help you. 

If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post Can Your Marriage Survive Without Intimacy? appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

This was never purposely planned; it just had a way of working out that way. I usually did not even know why a couple was coming to my office before I met with them the first time – most folks did not want to reveal to the office staff that they were dealing with an affair.

I know that this was more than coincidence because I know that I am uniquely designed to help couples who find they are facing this particular issue. Don’t get me wrong, determining if a marriage can recover from multiple affairs is not easy work – in fact it is hard work, very hard work.

From my years of experience in helping couples recover from affairs, I know that it can be done. I know that certain factors must be true for this to happen. I know that your marriage can survive multiple affairs if the following factors are true:

I know that your marriage can survive multiple affairs if the following factors are true:

A Marriage Can Survive Multiple Affairs If The Offender Stops The Behavior.

The affair or affairs MUST STOP. Your spouse is currently willing to work at having the marriage repaired, but the affair going on now MUST STOP. Enough damage has been done. If you want to have any hope of saving your marriage you have to determine that you are going to stop this behavior now. Now, I know that this can be difficult to do, AND, I know that your spouse has trouble understanding that this is difficult to do, but you have no choice!

In most of the cases I have dealt with, the offender almost always has some compelling reason why the affair (in their unique case) can’t be stopped, or why they cannot break off ALL contact with their affair partner. I am here to tell you that if you marriage has ANY chance of surviving multiple affairs – the offending behavior has to stop and it has to stop NOW. You may need to grieve the loss, and I can help you do that

And I can help your spouse to accept that you have to grieve the loss – even though the affair should not have happened in the first place. BUT it did happen and now we have to make it stop.

A Marriage Can Survive Multiple Affairs If The Faithful Spouse Knows And Believes The Behavior Has Stopped.

The behavior not only has to stop, and ALL contact with the affair partner has to be cut off completely. In addition, if your marriage is going to survive multiple affairs, your spouse has to KNOW that the behavior has stopped and that you no longer are in contact with the affair partner.

This is a difficult process to work through and you will have trouble navigating it alone. I can guide you through this over time. The faithful spouse has a broken trustometer and as the offending spouse, you have broken it many times. Your spouse wants to be able to trust you, but right now they can’t even trust their ability to trust you. You need my help with this and I will lead you through the process over time. This will take effort and will be frustrating to both of you at times, but my job is to lead you through it.

A Marriage Can Survive Multiple Affairs If Forgiveness Happens.

In order for a marriage to survive an affair or multiple affairs, there must be forgiveness. I want you to know that forgives is possible but that in the case of multiple affairs, forgiveness can be hard work and take time.

Forgiveness is a PROCESS and depending on the nature of the offense, it can take time and have multiple layers. Don’t get stuck here and think it can’t happen or it won’t happen in your case. It CAN happen but it is a process that takes time. It is also a process that can have many layers – sort of like an onion. We can deal with a layer and be in good shape and then something happens and we have another layer to deal with.

This is a natural and normal (and can also be a frustrating) part of the process. I have walked many couples through this process and I can help you with it too.

A Marriage Can Survive Multiple Affairs If Restitution Is Made.

If your marriage is the victim of multiple affairs and you want it to survive, as the offender you will have to discover how to make some form of restitution to your spouse. I am not talking here about crawling on your hands and knees over broken glass.

However, you are responsible for deeply wounding your spouse more than once. Chances are that you have not seen the depth of the wounds they are experiencing because – even though they need your help to heal, they don’t know if they can trust you with their hurt. As the person responsible for causing some of the deepest wounds your spouse has experienced, you are also the person who can help them the most. Neither one of you probably even knows how to get started on this, but I have experience in helping couples find the way. For every

For every couple, it is a unique pathway to healing. I know the path is there and I will help you to find it step by step.

A Marriage Can Survive Multiple Affairs If The offender Works At Rebuilding Trust.

As a couple who are in a marriage that is the victim of multiple affairs, one of the most difficult tasks you face is rebuilding trust. As the faithful spouse, you want to be in a position where you know you can trust your spouse. The problem is, you have no idea how to get there.

Currently, your spouse could be 1,000% trustworthy but you have no idea if you can trust your heart and your thoughts when they tell you that you should trust. As the offending spouse, you are likely experiencing tons of frustration. If you have ended the affair and have cut off all contact with the affair partner and are doing all that you can to let your spouse know that you can be trusted you feel stuck too. You can’t have a video camera on you 24/7, nor should you.

As the offending spouse, you are likely experiencing tons of frustration. If you have ended the affair and have cut off all contact with the affair partner and are doing all that you can to let your spouse know that you can be trusted you feel stuck too. You can’t have a video camera on you 24/7, nor should you.

You get frustrated when something unexpectedly happens that causes your spouse to spiral down into distrust, despair, hurt and anger. This is actually pretty normal and I would say is expected.

As the offending spouse, you at times feel like, “what’s the use, no matter how hard I try I am still not trusted.”

As the faithful spouse, you feel that you are back at ground zero and you don’t like it. You want to trust your spouse, you may even feel pretty confident that they can be trusted, but you just got sucked unexpectedly back down into the black hole of distrust and you need help get out again.

Now that both of you are so upset, it is difficult to climb out of the black hole – for both of you. This, unfortunately, seems to be a natural part of the process and although the two of you get stuck in it, I know the way out. Like other things I have talked about – this is a process, it takes time to overcome and I will help you to become better and better at it!

A Marriage Can Survive Multiple Affairs If The Offender Accepts That Rebuilding Trust Is Hard Work And Will Often Be Frustrating.

As the offending spouse who has committed multiple affairs, you have to come to terms with the fact that you have completely destroyed the ability of your spouse to trust you. Your spouse wants to trust you but their “trustometer” is broken. That is their ability to trust their ability to trust you no longer works. They want to trust you and at times they feel like they trust you and THEN something inside of them tells them – whoa – you heard this before and you trusted it – remember what happened next – how do you know you can trust it this time.

As the offending spouse who wants to rebuild a marriage that is the victim of multiple affairs, you need to accept the fact that even though your spouse WANTS to trust you and even though you may be 1,000 % trustworthy ALL of the time, your spouse will still have trouble trusting you. This is a fact! This is a result of YOUR behavior. You have taught your spouse repeatedly over time that you can’t be trusted. You earned it and now you have to un-earn it. The best

The best thing you can do is be accepting of this as the truth. The harder you fight this, but more you are painting yourself into the corner of someone who can’t be trusted. Your job now is to prove to your spouse over time that you CAN be trusted. The best (and really only) way to do this is to tell the truth 100 % of the time. Never tell your spouse a lie again and in time they will learn that you can be trusted. Get caught in a lie or ½ truth once and you are at ground zero and must start all over again.

If you really do want to restore your marriage then come to terms with this truth right now. Resist the temptation to express undue anger and frustration about the struggles you spouse has with trust and it will help you to earn their trust over time. If you do not resist this temptation, you will lose trust almost every time even if you browbeat them into accepting your frustration.

A Marriage Can Survive Multiple Affairs If The Offender Learns To Help The Faithful Spouse With Their Pain.

As the offending spouse who has committed multiple affairs, you have inflicted untold pain on your spouse. Every time you get near that pain or hear about that pain or even see a little bit of that pain in your spouse you feel guilty and you want it to go away. If that is true, it is a sign that you are on track for a marriage that will recover from multiple affairs.

Here is another truth that you must come to terms with, and the sooner you learn how to cope with this, the faster your marriage will recover. You have hurt your spouse. You have hurt your spouse deeply. You have hurt your spouse more deeply possibly than any other hurt they have experienced and you did it more than once. That is the truth that is what you have done. Face that truth and decide if you want to help your spouse heal.

If the answer is YES, you want to help, you have a good chance of recovering from your multiple affairs. Helping your spouse with their pain is hard, it is painful, it is sad, it can be time-consuming, it will happen at inopportune times, it is a process and there is a tremendous payoff if you can wade in and do it. You will be wading into deep waters at times and you will be offering your spouse one of the most healing things that can be done given our circumstances. This area of the healing process can be pretty straight forward at times quite tricky at other times. I usually will know where you are likely to get stuck and will guide you through this part of the healing process when the time is right.

You will be wading into deep waters at times and you will be offering your spouse one of the most healing things that can be done given our circumstances. This area of the healing process can be pretty straight forward at times quite tricky at other times. I usually will know where you are likely to get stuck and will guide you through this part of the healing process when the time is right.

A Marriage Can Survive Multiple Affairs If Both Parties Comes To Terms With Why This Happened.

An important part of the healing process when a marriage has experienced multiple affairs is to determine the message of the affair or affairs. Why did this happen? This can be an arduous process to uncover but I find that it is vitally important to know for both of you.

For the faithful spouse, this can be a difficult and painful part of healing. If there are deficits in the marriage that the faithful spouse is responsible for, this will have to be acknowledged and addressed. This does not mean that the faithful spouse is responsible for the affair – it was not your fault.

Honestly, I personally have a difficult time coming up with a reason that to me would make it okay for one spouse to be unfaithful to the other. It is important though to understand why this happened. If you are going to recover from multiple affairs then you need to know why they are happening.

Once you know the answer to that question, you have all sorts of cues and clues on what to do to have a viable, fulfilling, intimate and meaningful marriage. Without the answer to that question, the faithful spouse will always be left wondering if it is going to happen again. This is another part of the recovery process that I will lead both of you through.

A Marriage Can Survive Multiple Affairs If Both Are Able To Live With A Wound That Will Never Totally Disappear.

If your marriage is the victim of multiple affairs you must come to terms with another truth. That truth is that you have one or more deep wounds. Wounds can heal if cared for properly. The deeper the wound, the more time and care it needs to heal.

Deep wounds leave scars. That your marriage is the victim of multiple is part of your lives, part of your story. While this is the truth and it is part of your story, it does not have to define either one of you or your marriage. It may for a while, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.

The couples I have worked with who have been victims of multiple affairs who have moved beyond the affairs to legitimate healing have found a way to put the affairs behind them. There is a process I use in working with couples that is my “secret sauce” if you will. When the time is right we determine the ways that will work best for you to put the affairs behind you. You and only you will know when the time is right for this. The offending spouse usually wants this to happen as soon as possible, but the faithful spouse drives this one.

If infidelity has hurt your marriage, we can help put you back on a healing path. It’s hard to determine if your marriage can be saved, but this is the work that will get you that answer. If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post Can Your Marriage Survive Multiple Affairs? My Answer Is Yes, If… appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

These are common questions for those committed to long-term marriages. In fact, the flames of passion can start to wane within a few years. In one study, 75% of couples said that their relationship was losing its passion and that it began 3 ½ years into the marriage. Only about one in four couples said that the passion in their marriage was still fresh and exciting.

Can passion be rekindled in a marriage once it starts to vanish? Do couples ever really regain it again? Our answer is a definite yes! You can regain and rekindle passion in your marriage, but to do so you will need to be intentional about it. You must be willing to give it some time. Here are ways in which you can begin to rekindle passion in your relationship.

• By thinking through and talking about your expectations. The flames of passion likely did not die out quickly in your marriage. Usually, couples notice things changing a little at a time. Turning things around can take time and will involve effort. Set aside some time to have an honest evaluation with your spouse regarding the current state of your marriage. Be sure to lay the groundwork so that this does not become a complaint session. 
  
  What you want to get to is the TRUTH! What is the truth about how each of you feels regarding the presence or lack of passion in your marriage? What do each of you miss and what do you each want? Talk about your expectations and determine as a couple that you will both commit to doing the things that will help to rekindle the passion you have lost.
  
  
• By Holding hands more often. An easy place to begin is by holding hands more often. When was the last time you held hands together? Make it a point and be intentional about holding hands. You can do this while riding next to each other in the car, taking a walk, going shopping together or even sitting in your living room or at the kitchen table. Take a moment, reach over and take her hand into yours and hold it.
  
  
• By Flirting with your spouse. How long has it been since you flirted with your spouse? Remember those cute little things you did, the looks you gave and the secret little messages you used to say I want you? Don’t stop flirting with your spouse and if you have stopped – bring it back. Bring back those quick and fun touches that brought excitement in the past. Send a flirty text (and make sure it is not a group text). Say the things you used to say to communicate that you can’t wait until you can be alone with your spouse. Brag about your spouse in front of others. Be sexy again.
  
  
• By Investing more in your relationship. When the flames start to die out, you can begin to reawaken them by making a premeditated effort at investing in your spouse. In Matthew 6:21, Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (NIV). What I get out of that is that your heart will follow the things that you have invested in. It does not matter whether the investment is money, or time or energy. Your heart will maintain an interest and have some “feelings” for the things you invest in. 
  
  If passion is dying out, start an investment program. Be intentional about investing or reinvesting in your spouse. Go out of your way to do things for and take care of her. If necessary make a list of “the top ten caring things you can do for her.” If you have trouble coming up with 10, then make a list of 5. Begin doing them regularly. 
  
  If you can’t come up with anything, you should make a date with her and ask her to help you make a list of positive things you can do for her that she would like. Then do it!
  
  
• By Sharing secrets together. How long has it been since you shared a secret that was just between you and your spouse? The big idea here is that you have shared experiences or plans that no one else but the two of you knows about. Is there a place that you had a make out session or made love together that was romantic, exciting and was a spontaneous event that you both were surprised happened? 
  
  If that has not happened in awhile, work at pulling it off in the near future. Find cute ways to remind each other about that time that will not embarrass your spouse, but will help to keep the excitement alive. The secret is known only by the two of you.
  
  
• By Initiating more affectionate touch. Purposely and regularly initiate affectionate touch. This does not mean grabbing and groping and obvious sexual touch. There can be a place for sexual touch, but that is not the point here. Affectionate touch is touching in ways that would not embarrass your spouse if others were around. It says, I am thinking of you. 
  
  It can be a hand brushing across the back or shoulder or arm or hand as you pass by. It can involve just putting your hand on the other’s arm while you are sitting and talking. It can involve a firm hug in which you hang on just a little longer and squeeze just a little tighter. It could be that you put your arm around him or her when sitting next to each other and pull them close for a minute or two. This kind of touch is done at times when there is no chance of being sexual right then, but it can certainly set the stage for sex and passionate intimacy later in the day.
  
  
• By setting aside time to be intimate. Passion will decline often simply because of the gravity of life. Children need attention; job demands spill over into evening and weekend hours; tasks need to be done around the house; volunteer activities take more time than you thought they would. The list goes on and on and before you know it, there is little or no time OR energy to spend together and share your passion for each other. 
  
  Be deliberate and intentional about saving or planning chunks of time when the two of you can be intimate with each other. Plan it out if necessary; keep it a secret; flirt about it. NO MATTER WHAT, follow through with it! Enjoy and cherish the private times you have reserved for each other.

Yes, you can rekindle the passion in your marriage. If you will conspire and scheme together and be consistent in your efforts; over time you will find the passion and excitement for each other and your marriage fanning into flames again. It may even be faster than you thought possible. Get to work at it, and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

If you like the thought of re-igniting the spark in your marriage but have about given up, call us. If you have spent a number of months or even years in a relationship desert, it becomes more and more difficult to hold on to hope that things will ever change. Take a moment and give us a call at 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. Together we can figure out how you can rekindle the passion in your marriage so you get back on the road to a happier life with your spouse. 

The post How To Rekindle Marriage Passion appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

The question is – can we make it work, can we recommit to the marriage or is it time to leave?  Neither party is sure they can reconnect and overcome the drift and boredom that has caused them to pull apart.

Another scenario is the situation where couples with children still at home have failed to maintain placing a priority on their relationship and have not protected their “coupleness.”  The focus has largely been on the children and careers.  As time has passed and the spouses have grown apart from each other, the resentments have built and small differences have become the source of major disagreements.  Neither spouse is getting what they need from the marriage.

As a last ditch effort in trying to salvage things, they may seek counseling.

Debbie and I have worked with hundreds of couples who fit in one of those two categories.  The details of each couple’s situation are unique, but the basic underlying story and source of difficulty have been repeated often.

If you are at the place in life and marriage where you are trying to determine if you can go on in your relationship and make it into something new, here are some steps to follow. 

To recommit to your marriage is a worthy endeavor, and you must know the following:

• Talk About Expectations.  What is it you want that is different from the way it is now.  Do you know, and can you describe it?  Are there things from the past you want to bring back into the marriage?  Do you have a new set of thoughts and ideas about what your marriage looks like?  This is an important place to begin in recommitting to your marriage.  
  
  The best case scenario is for both of you to think this through and come up with a definite picture of what your relationship will look like and how it will work when you recommit and make it new.
  
  
• Listen To Each Other.  Chances are you really do not hear much of what your spouse has been saying to you for a long time.  There may be good reasons for this due to the hurt and resentment you feel.  Once you make the decision to recommit to your marriage, you have to find a way to forgive, deal with the hurts, and put them behind you.  This may even be another step in the process.  
  
  It is your job to get yourself to the place where you can listen to your spouse so you understand what it is he/she needs from you.  You will likely need to seek their forgiveness for ways they have been hurt by you.
  
  
• Compile A List Of Things You Can Do For Your Spouse.  Both of you need a list of tangible things you can do that would have meaning to your spouse.  This needs to be a list of positive actions. When you follow through with these actions, you will say to your spouse; “I love you, I care about you and I want to take care of you.”  
  
  The list should not be things like – Don’t yell at me.  If you are yelling, find a way to tone it down.  The list should be things that help you in life, make things easier and let you know that someone has your back and is watching out for you.
  
  
• Follow Through In Doing The Things On Your List.  You are recommitting to your marriage.  Recommitment means following through with the promise you made at the beginning of your marriage.  You are pledging to be the kind of spouse and partner that your wife/husband wants and needs you to be.  
  
  The “Golden Rule” comes into play here.  The point of the rule is “to do” that is “DO unto others the things you would have them do unto you.”  It is a positive statement of taking positive action regardless of what others do.  It places the responsibility on you to take action in treating others exactly the way you would like to be treated.  This step is where the rubber really meets the road.
  
  
• Take Some Time Away As A Couple.  You absolutely MUST set aside time to be together.  It can be a weekend away, a day or an evening off.  It must become a regular part of your life.  It is time to begin dating your spouse again.  To reconnect and keep connected, it is vital that date nights and time away become a regular part of life.  Find the system that works for you, so that it is ALWAYS on the radar and REGULARLY on the calendar.
  
  
• Talk About Your Dream And Vision For Your Marriage. It is important to keep the picture in front of you regarding what you want and need from your marriage.  This is not only what you want for yourself, but what you want for each other.  Keep the goal out in front of the relationship and don’t stop striving for it.
  
  
• Continue To Be Intentional.  Chances are things got out of control in your lives and marriage because things just got out of control!  Life has a way of taking over for us if we do not find a way to keep a sharp focus on particular priorities.  There are tons of people who are very willing to plan our time, disrupt our lives and take over the driver’s seat if we don’t assume control ourselves.

Your marriage is important to you and deserves attention to keep it on track, productive and fulfilling for both of you.  “Life Happens” and there are times that other priorities supersede our commitment to be together or go on a date.  A marriage begins to deteriorate when we allow that to become the rule rather than the exception.  Make it the exception.  The new rule is to protect your marriage and the time you have together at all costs.

Recommitment to a marriage is work.  It takes time and energy.  If you want to take the steps to breathe new life into your marriage but need help, call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will help you figure out how you can recommit to your marriage so a happier, healthier future awaits you AND your spouse!

The post 7 Ways To Recommit To Your Marriage & Fall In Love Again appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

At that point in time, a number of the couples were at about the same place in rebuilding their marriages.  The faithful spouse was really grappling with the pain caused by the affair.  That pain had in a real sense entered right into the counseling room for several of the couples.  The work that had to be done with these couples in the coming week brought on an overwhelming sense of sadness.  This was brought on by the experience of having entered into the pain resulting from the betrayal that each faithful spouse had shared the previous week. 

While as counselors, we may get a taste of the pain experienced by the people who come for counseling, that is nothing compared to the pain of being betrayed.  Can two people really become a happy couple again after an affair?  My answer is a resounding YES, it can be done.  I have seen it happen!  It is my belief that you can become a happy couple again after an affair if certain factors happen as you recover. Let’s take a look at those factors.

• Gain A Clear Understanding Of Why The Affair Happened! One of the books I have used in helping couples recover from an affair is titled “Torn Asunder” by Dave Carder.  The book is published by Moody Press, a Christian publishing house, and there is an accompanying workbook.  The workbook is a great tool and requires much work by both parties.  
  
  One of the main assertions of the book helping a couple understand “The Message of The Affair.”  To recover from an affair, rebuild your marriage, and be happy as a couple; you need to know why the affair happened.  There may be several reasons, but you need to know them all.  If you are going to rebuild and not go through this again, you need to know why it happened.  This will give you the information you need to prevent it from becoming a pattern.  Knowing why it happened and making the necessary changes based on that knowledge will help the faithful spouse be able to trust again.
  
  
• Work At Rebuilding Trust! Rebuilding trust can be a tricky business once an affair has taken place.  The faithful spouse wants to trust and have faith in their partner.  However, the “trustometer” of the faithful spouse got broken.  The faithful spouse no longer knows if it is possible to trust their heart and mind when it tells them to go ahead and trust their partner.  After all, they trusted them in the past and believed they were trustworthy, and that was all proven wrong.  
  
  Trust takes time, but it will happen.  
  
  As the unfaithful spouse, it is your job to: 1. Be trustworthy all of the time, 2. Accept that your partner will have difficulty trusting at times, 3.  Allow your partner all the time they need to rebuild trust without becoming defensive.  It is difficult to be happy as a couple if there is no trust.  SO, take the time, and do the work necessary to rebuild it.
  
  
• Reclaim Lost Territory!  When you had affair you probably tainted places, things and words that were once the private, confidential and intimate parts of your marriage.  There may be places your spouse no longer feels comfortable going because you went there with the other person.  If that person was in your vehicle or in your home or bed, those places are no longer the sacred places shared only with your spouse.  
  
  Some things may need to be replaced and some things will need to be reclaimed.  This is a process I have helped many couples navigate.  It takes work, but it can definitely be done. It is one of the keys to being a happy couple again after an affair.
  
  
• Invest In Each Other Again! When you were involved in the affair; you were spending time, energy and probably money investing in another person and not your spouse.  Your spouse is hurt and offended by this.  To be a happy couple again, all contact must be cut off with the other person. You must deliberately and intentionally commit yourself to investing in your spouse.  This MUST become a part of the DNA of your marriage.  
  
  Your spouse may at times struggle with your attention to them.  It may seem false to them and something you are just doing to try to make up for the affair.  If necessary “fake it till you make it,” but invest in your spouse and invest in each other.  If the feelings are not there right away, they will follow.  
  
  Do the work because it is the right thing to do. Your spouse deserves it, and it will help you to rebuild love, affection and happiness together.
  
  
• Be Partners In Rebuilding! I have watched many couples recover from an affair and become happy as a couple again.  There are times in most situations when one of the spouses is doing the majority of the work.  Sometimes it is the faithful spouse who wants to save the marriage and is hanging in there and working at it while their partner extricates from the affair.  
  
  At other times, it is the unfaithful spouse who realizes they have made a tragic error and is trying to win back the love and affection of a spouse who is no longer sure they want or can stay in the marriage.  There comes a point in the recovery process where both spouses MUST commit to doing their part in rebuilding their relationship so that they have a happy marriage again.

Recovering from an affair is rarely easy; in fact, it is HARD WORK!  I have seen it happen successfully many, many times.  While there is a deep wound that will always be there, it is possible to become a happy couple again after an affair.  It is worth the effort because there is usually a lot at stake for both spouses.

If you and your spouse are continuing to struggle with the after affects of an affair, there really is hope for you.  Don’t stay stuck in the pain. Get help to get past the questions and the lack of trust.  Determine now that you are going to take the next step of enlisting the help needed to begin moving forward again in your marriage.  Call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation to tell us more about your situation and find how you can get on the road to recovery.

The post How to Be Happy After An Affair appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.