1.  Parenting can affect your marriage for the better because you learn what it means to be a team working together, planning together, and playing together. You will have to communicate with each other and really consider how you are going to parent your child or children.  What parenting style will work best for both of you and present you as a united front to your children. 

It is not about one person having all the “right” answers or always being “right” in the way parenting should be done. 

It is about working together as a team to figure out what parts of how you were parented will become part of what the two of you do and what parts of the way you were parented that you will both choose to let go of and work hard at not parenting your children that way.  You will find common ground to operate from and will both be willing to go “back to the drawing board” if something doesn’t work as you had planned.  You learn to work together to plan time for your family and to also plan time for the couple.  It will become even more difficult to make things happen for the couple but working together and being intentional about it, you will be able to plan some time to be by yourselves as a couple.  You learn how to work together to perform certain tasks and take on certain responsibilities related to child rearing.  By doing this revisiting your communication related to thoughts and feelings about the designated tasks and/or responsibilities, you can avoid resentment building in your relationship.  You will also learn to play together as parents. 

Parenting helps you to keep nurturing that “inner child” you have, the one that enjoys playing.  It is so important to take time to play. 

Playing should include time playing with your children, your spouse and pursuing some individual play time.  Playing is not about only playing with the children or only playing together as spouses or only playing individually.  It is about sharing time with everyone and enjoying that time and making the most of it.

2.  Parenting can affect your marriage for the better because you learn how to celebrate & rejoice together as you watch this new life develop, personality grow, etc. You both need to be involved in celebrating and rejoicing together the new life that is now a part of your lives together. This new life can and will present some challenges for your marriage , but there can be a great deal of excitement over watching a little person grow and develop.  Sometimes you may see some things in your child that you know your child has learned from you and are not so good. 

You have an opportunity to grow and change yourself so as to exemplify traits that you want for your child to learn from you. 

This can be a great time of growth for you as an individual and to help you as parents grow into the kind of couple and individuals you desire not only for yourselves but for your child to see and to learn.  Each milestone your child reaches can be a time of rejoicing and celebrating.  It is so exciting to watch your child’s personality take shape and to watch them discover new things for themselves.  It is sometimes frightening to watch them discover and be creative but it is important to let them do that without becoming an overprotective, worrywart of a parent. 

They will make mistakes and will fall down but if you let them, they will become the people they have been created to be.  

3.  Parenting can affect your marriage for the better by helping each person as individuals and as a couple to be less self centered. Life is not just what you want it to be but includes the needs and desires of another little person who cannot fend for himself or herself.  It may be difficult at first to let go of satisfying your own wants or needs and possibly sacrificing those for someone else.  Usually when it is just you and your spouse; you both are able, for the most part, to get what you want when you want it.  When you are responsible for the needs of a little one, that thinking begins to change. 

Often you will need to put aside some of your wants and desires for a time in order to provide for the child or children in your home. 

Life becomes less selfish and more about being selfless.  There should be a balance in this and there also need to be boundaries established between children and parents.  It is not all about you now, but it is not all about your child or children either.  Life does not fully revolve around you anymore, but it also does not and should not revolve fully around your children.  Children have many needs that only the parents can supply, but parents also need to teach them how to become more independent as they grow older. 

The goal of parenting is to “work yourself out of a job!” 

If you have done your job as parents, the children will be better prepared to leave home when they become adults!

4.  Parenting can affect your marriage for the better because the new added stress in life is an opportunity for personal growth. You begin to learn what it means to really be an adult and be responsible for the well-being of someone else.  You learn how to manage your own emotions and your anger in a healthier way.  As you are teaching your children how to manage themselves emotionally or learning how to manage their anger, you will be in a position to check in with yourselves to see how you are doing in these areas and grow yourselves in your ability to manage your emotions, especially your anger.  Another area that parents find themselves growing in as they teach their children is being respectful. 

You cannot expect your children to be respectful if you do not demonstrate what it looks and sounds like to be respectful. 

This means that you will have to practice being respectful to others in front of them. The more you practice, the better you will be at it and the more it will become a habit for you.   Self-control is another area where you can personally grow as you teach your children what it means to have self-control.  One thing to always remember is that children will say and do what is modeled to them.  You don’t have the luxury of believing they will react positively to a “do as I say, not as I do” mentality!! Personal growth is and should be a bonus for you as you parent!

5.  Parenting can affect your marriage for the better by creating challenges that when handled properly can bring you closer together. Parenting is not easy. There is no one who is a “perfect” parent.  All parents face difficulties and make mistakes along the way.  Parenting presents many challenges that you may not have ever in a million years anticipated.  It is important to spend time as a couple talking about how you will handle certain situations when those situations arise.  It is also important to present a united front to your children so that they understand that you are working together in your parenting role.  This also allows for you, as parents, to say to your children that the two of you need to take some time to discuss answers that you may give to your children.  This helps to draw the two of you closer together.  You learn much more about being a team and that you are on the same team. 

Your goal as you work together is to help your children grow into the best adults they can be and to help them to avoid some of the pitfalls along the way (if they will listen and do what you are teaching them). 

If you work together as a team in your parenting of your children, it will also help you to work together as a team in other areas of your life.  Facing challenges is a fact of life, and if you are willing to let go of your own pride and selfishness and work together with your spouse, you can face those challenges and truly grow through them.  One of the really exciting things about doing it together is that it brings you closer together and you see how great it is to have someone who comes alongside you, encouraging you and helping you when you feel weak yourself.  Parenting is not always fun but it can be very rewarding when you work together to meet the challenges that come with it.

If you are having difficulty seeing that being a parent can actually improve your marriage, we are here to help you.  If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post 5 Ways Being A Parent Can Improve Your Marriage & Make You A Better Human Being appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

The answer to “what to do if you’re parenting alone in a marriage” can vary depending on why you may find yourself parenting alone.

Sometimes couples have very different parenting styles which may lead to one person doing the parenting. 

Are you parenting alone because the two of you have differing parenting styles? 

It would be good to spend some time evaluating whether or not you have pushed the other parent out of the parenting role or whether the other parent just quit parenting because of the frustration felt related to your differences.  If you have pushed the other parent away from taking an active role in parenting or frustrated that parent so much that he/she has given up and deferred the parenting to you, is it because you believe that your style is the right one and the other parent is totally wrong in how he/she would choose to parent?  The two of you need to take some time to discuss the differences on your styles and where those differences may have originated.

Realistically, you may both need to discard some of what you think about parenting and then work together to develop a style that works for both of you. 

This is not something that you do in front of the children; this is something you work on away from them. Then you present a united front to your children. 

Children need to know that their parents are on the same page with their parenting.  It gives your children added security to know that both of their parents care about what they are doing and where they are headed in life.  There is no perfect parenting style but there is parenting that helps your children to grow up knowing how to set boundaries and live by them and knowing how to make good choices and to understand that there are consequences when they choose to do something that is not good or right.

Sometimes you may find yourself alone in the parenting process because of your circumstances. 

Possibly the other parent is working the kind of job that keeps him/her away from home long hours or for days or weeks at a time.  Sometimes one parent may be very ill and is not able to do the kind of parenting the two of you together would do.  It is still important that you both spend some time discussing how you will parent and determine that you are both on the same page with it.  Then let your children know that you are united in how you are choosing to parent even when you or the other parent may not be available to help in the actual day to day parenting.  

There are times when one parent has absolutely no interest in the parenting role and has abdicated that role completely to the other parent. 

This is a situation that happened a lot in the past but still happens today.  There are times when one parent is not interested in what anyone in the family does.  Often it is the father, but not always.  That parent may have grown up in a family where there really was an absent parent.  That parent may have been in the same house with the family, but not participated at all or very little with the everyday family life.  The belief is that “we will parent how we were parented!” 

So, if you came from a family where one parent was not actively involved in your growing up, that may be how you begin to parent your children. 

It doesn’t have to stay that way unless you choose to parent exactly like you were parented! 

If that other parent makes a conscious effort to change and wants to become more involved, will you let him/her do that?  Sometimes you may determine that you really don’t want the other parent involved in your parenting. It could be that you are afraid of a repeat performance of how that person was parented – such as repeating physical abuse or dictating orders to the children all the time and making life miserable for everyone! 

Yet, there are times you feel alone in your parenting and want the other person to step in and you ask for help but then push that person away or put that person down in front of the kids.  He or she gets so frustrated and feels that there is such a mixed message that they pull away completely. 

Are you really willing to let the other parent be involved in parenting or not or have you intentionally or unintentionally blocked the other parent from becoming involved in the parenting process? 

Have you taught your children to dismiss whatever the other parent has to say to them and only seek you out?

If you, as a parent, have tried over and over again to get the other parent involved in the parenting process and have not succeeded, you have to determine whether you can and are willing to be a single parent and not be angry about it.  If it is difficult for you to deal with, then seek help for yourself not with the idea that the other person will change if you go to a professional but that you will learn how to manage the parenting role alone and be OK with it. 

If problems in parenting have hurt your marriage and interfered with your family, we can help put you back on a healing path.  Dr. Debbie McFadden is the mother of 4 successful married adult children and has counseled parents for the past 25 years.  Dr. Debbie will help you determine if your parenting patterns can be changed and how to best go about it. If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. She will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post What To Do When You Are Parenting Alone In A Marriage appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

There are some fears about parenting but they are ready to take that step. They become very excited about the future and what having children will mean to them. Then the day arrives and the first child is born. What a glorious day! They have been anticipating this for a long time! The stay in the hospital is short and now it is time to take baby home and really begin being a family.

But being a family isn’t always as easy as it sounds!

Baby is very demanding and cries a lot and is awake when you want to sleep! The husband/father can’t figure out why his wife is so tired and doesn’t want to do the things she used to do. Every time he asks her to go somewhere or spend time with him, the little person who has invaded the house needs something!

The couple begins to drift apart, not intentionally, but because of the demands on time, especially on the wife’s/mother’s time. It seems the couple has no time to themselves anymore. Everyone is too tired at the end of the day to think of trying to spend any quality time together.

There is the thought that “we used to spend time going out together or watching TV together or just talking to each other. We don’t do any of that anymore.” Everything we do revolves around the baby or, as we add to the family, all the kids! Mom runs this one to soccer practice and dad runs this one to hockey or ballet. Plus, we have to make sure that the homework gets done and each child is progressing in school.

Each child added to the family takes more and more time away from the couple.

The energy involved in taking care of everyone is intense. There is no time for self-care or couple care. Often the husband/father gets jealous of the children because he doesn’t have his wife anymore. He feels left out.

This leads to conflict between the couple. Most of the time, the husband is at work all day and the wife is managing the household and possibly working outside the home as well. She is exhausted and he can’t figure out why! After all, he has worked all day and all she’s done is take care of the kids. Didn’t she pressure him to have these kids in the first place! He loves the kids, but really, it shouldn’t be that hard!

The couple often has conflict related to parenting styles.

She wants him to step up and be a part of what goes on with the kids and discipline them but, frequently doesn’t like how he does it. She may step in and take over when he is attempting to discipline or work with the kids. He becomes resentful and feels she doesn’t think he can do the job as well as she can. They enter into conflict over how they parent. They may even have that conflict in front of the kids. Now the kids know how to get what they want by playing one against the other.

Parenting also creates some financial burdens that the couple may not have considered early on. It takes more income to provide for a family than it does to provide for just the couple.

Children need food, shelter, clothing, toys, education, etc. Parents usually want their children to participate in some kind of sport or extra activity like dance, gymnastics, etc. All of these extra- curricular activities cost money. Parents often sacrifice much so that their children can do these things. They are also concerned with the future and that means, for many, providing money for college. The list can go on and on.

It is important for couples to discuss and continue to discuss how they will manage all of the issues that come up related to having children and how that will affect their marriage relationship.

• Make sure that neither of you becomes defensive in your discussion of the children.
• Couples have to become intentional about making time for each other in the midst of raising their children. If the only way to make it happen is to write it on the calendar, then that is exactly what they have to do.
• Make appointments to spend time together and treat those appointments as if they are the most important appointments you have. These appointments must not be moved or canceled because something else comes up!
• Taking care of the couple is the most important part of the marriage. If mom and dad are secure in their relationship, the children will feel secure as well. They will see how important the marriage is to their parents and feel the closeness that is part of that relationship.

Children are a true blessing to our lives. They can and do bring us great pleasure and joy. If we maintain open communication with one another and work at building the marriage relationship along with parenting, we will enjoy not only a successful family but a successful marriage relationship. It is possible to have both a great marriage and a great family! Both take a great deal of work and effort, but it is truly worth it.

Parenting is rarely easy, but always worth the effort as you see your children grow. You don’t have to struggle alone, we can help. If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post How Parenting Affects Your Marriage appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

Parenting is difficult and does not come with a manual. Often we have made decisions about what our parenting will look like based on our own experiences growing up. However, the bottom line is we will parent the way we were parented.

We may vow that we will never ever do what our parents did or didn’t do. But, unless we are intentional about making changes, we will find ourselves doing the very same things that our parents did as we parent our children.

Let’s take a look at four different parenting styles.

Authoritarian:

This style of parenting says, “I am in control and you will listen to me and do as I say no matter what!” The parent who is in control often is like a policeman. There are rules set and you better follow them, or else!

Often that parent will not allow for the children to express any kind of emotion. The only allowable emotion is shown by that controlling parent. No one else is allowed to display any emotion at all. Children who cry are often told, “Keep it up and I will give you something to cry about!”

This controlling parent may yell and scream at the children about seemingly small issues such as book bags left out or shoes worn in the house or clothes not neatly put away or hung up. This parent will often expect perfection from children in the form of grades, manners, doing chores, etc. “Children are to be seen and not heard!”

Most everyone in the family walks on eggshells around this person and hopes and prays they won’t have an ugly encounter with him/her.

Permissive:

This style of parenting is at the opposite end of the spectrum from the authoritarian parenting. This style of parenting leaves the children on their own to basically parent themselves.

Often parents who have been the victims of authoritarianism decide they will let their children choose everything for themselves. There is no parental control at all. Children come and go as they please. There are no limits set for them at all.

They can be as messy or as neat as they wish. They are allowed to speak disrespectfully to their parents, to each other, to their friends, and to other adults. They believe they are entitled to get whatever they desire when they desire it and that no one has the right to deny them.

Authoritative:

This type of parenting is more balanced. Parents recognize and encourage the achievements of their children. They actually place a premium on cooperation. They encourage their children toward excellence but not perfection.

An authoritative parent will let children know that failure is not fatal and that they can actually learn more when something fails. They will expect the best from their children but that best is not being perfect! Children are held accountable for their actions and know that consequences are part of that.

Often parents let reality be the teacher and don’t even need to consequence certain behaviors. Parents lead by example. It is not a “do as I say not as I do” environment. Children are allowed to express themselves and to express emotions appropriately.

Parents put their relationship with their children before the rules. They will spend time talking about issues when it is appropriate. These parents set limits or boundaries for their children knowing that they need them even when they don’t necessarily like them. The parents are still in charge and responsible for the well-being of their children, but they recognize that their children are people too and have emotions and thoughts and ideas.

The parents have the final say in things because children don’t necessarily know what is best for them or the wisest thing to do. Parents allow their children the freedom to make choices and to make mistakes.

Helicopter:

There is another style of parenting that has emerged over time and that is helicopter parenting. This type of parenting is somewhere between the authoritarian and permissive styles of parenting. The helicopter parent spends a great deal of time running the children’s lives.

That parent makes all the decisions for the children and continually runs interference for the children so that they do not have to suffer any consequences for behavior and so that they can hopefully be assured of straight A report cards and get into the most prestigious colleges.

This parent is a perfectionist and expects the children to follow suit. This type of parenting also produces children who believe they are entitled to everything without doing the work, who believe that it is ok to be disrespectful and to expect others to do for them always.

Often, children are disillusioned by this type of parenting because they feel they have no say in anything and never learn how to make decisions for themselves. They frequently become totally dependent upon the parent to manage everything for them even when they reach adulthood.

Couples can successfully navigate their marriages as parents by being firm but fair, asking for and giving respect, learning from mistakes that are made, setting limits for their children, and “walking the walk not just talking the talk!”

If you are having difficulty figuring out how to successfully navigate your marriage as parents, please give us a call 630-333-3202. We offer clients a free 15-20 minute consultation to explore what’s happening and see if there are simple solutions you can apply right now. If the issue is deeper, we can discuss what’s possible and how we can help. 

The post Understanding Parenting Styles & Navigating Parenting As Marriage Partners appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

My thing was that I would never be a yeller like my dad.  However, I found myself yelling at my kids when things seemed to be totally out of control.  I know that was a difficult thing for my husband because he was not used to people yelling.  He had a hard time with me letting myself get to the point of becoming that yelling person!

 How do marriages survive when parenting styles collide?  I am here to tell you that marriages can and do survive even when your parenting styles may be somewhat different and begin to collide.  However, you have to do some intentional work to make it happen.

Do you talk to your kids or do you yell?  Do you spank or swat?  Do you time your kid out?  Do you enforce bedtime or are you more “loosey goosey” about it?  Maybe your spouse has a very different way of looking at parenting than you do and you find yourselves on a collision course when you try to parent. 

Here are 6 things you can do for your marriage to survive when your parenting styles collide.

1. Share common goals and strategies.

• You can’t assume that the other person is just going to do things your way or that your way is the best way. There needs to be open and honest communication between the two of you. 
• Talk about the expectations you have of your spouse and of your kids, and of how you believe things in your home will run smoothly.  
• Talk openly and honestly about your fears, too.  Maybe your fears are about yourself and how you might parent because of parenting you had or maybe those fears are related to things your spouse has told you about his/her upbringing.
• Talk through what you may think is unrealistic in the expectations and talk about how you want to approach parenting together. 
• Come up with goals for how you desire to discipline and the kinds of consequences that you believe would be appropriate. 
• Strategize how you might handle certain situations that come up with your children.  Periodically review how things are going and discuss if you need to make some changes. 

1. Learn how to stand back to back, united as parents. 

• Your children will push the limits because that is what children do.  You as parents need to figure out how to be a united front so that your children don’t succeed when they attempt to pit one parent against the other. 
• Work together as a team and recognize that you are on the same team.
• Your ultimate goal for your children is that they become successful, happy, content adults.  They have a better chance of becoming successful adults if you are united as parents when it comes to discipline, consequences and setting appropriate boundaries for them. 
• Perfect parents don’t exist. Parents do mess up sometimes. Be willing to admit when you have messed up and work toward doing better the next time. 
• Help your spouse by having his/her back when you are dealing with issues in parenting.  Even if you, as spouses, don’t always agree, stand together. 

1. Listen to each other and especially listen for what is most important to your spouse.

• Sometimes, when you have had a bad day parenting, you may need to vent to your spouse.  You may need to talk through the things that have happened with the children throughout the day.  You need someone who will listen and be supportive and encouraging to you as opposed to someone who finds fault with your style of parenting.
• Often people think or believe that they are super good listeners.  Usually, they are wrong in that belief.  Everyone can do a better job at listening to one another and paying attention to what is really going on, and listen for what is most important to the other person.
• Once you have fully listened (which can’t be done if you’re distracted), then ask if there is something you can do to help or make it better.  Your spouse may just feel better having been able to talk about it and feeling she/he has been heard.  Or, the two of you may need to strategize how to handle the problems that have come up.
• Communicating with one another on a regular basis is most important when it comes to how to parent the children. 

1. Don’t run interference for the children.

• It is not okay to jump into what the other parent is doing when disciplining unless that parent asks you to help. 
• You must learn how not to interfere even if you think things should be handled in a different manner.  This teaches your children that you are not a united front.  They will figure out how to get what they want by going to the other parent if they are not satisfied with the answer from one. 
• If you aren’t united, they will know which parent will respond to them the way they want!  The children aren’t little devils seeking to destroy.  They are doing what children do and attempting to get their own way or skirt around something they don’t want to do or don’t like.
• If your children know that you are not working as a team but are at odds with one another in the realm of parenting, they may attempt to get you arguing with each other so they can go and do whatever they want. 
• Arguing doesn’t solve the problem.  It allows it to continue. 

1. Don’t correct one another in front of the children.

• If you don’t agree with your spouse about how he/she is handling a situation with the children, discuss it when you are alone and not in the presence of the children.
• If an issue is critical, you may need to excuse yourselves from the presence of your children and go to another part of the house to discuss the issue and come to some type of agreement about it. 
• A helpful approach is looking at the actual situation and brainstorming ideas on how to manage it – whether that is setting limits or consequencing behavior, etc.
• It is never a good idea to discuss the issues you might have with your spouse related to a child or the children in their presence.
• Once you have time to discuss things together, the two of you can go to your child or children and talk about the issue and be united in your answers or in your consequences. 

1. Be willing to seek help when you have tried all of the other steps and are still having great difficulty parenting together.  Help could come from researching an issue or reading good parenting books related to your issues or from a counselor who can help by giving you suggestions on how to move forward.  Whatever the help might be, make sure that it is not one sided but speaks to both of you.

Parenting is never easy.  There are always challenges to be faced.  Marriages don’t have to come apart because your parenting styles collide.  If you take the time to learn how to work together as members of the same team, it will strengthen your role as parents and it will strengthen your marriage relationship. 

You can have a healthy, successful marriage and a healthy, successful family life.  It won’t be without problems and challenges, but you will be much more prepared to rise to the occasion and work through those issues together.  

The post Can Marriage Survive Colliding Parenting Styles? (Hint, It’s A Yes IF Certain Things Happen) appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.