The question is – can we make it work, can we recommit to the marriage or is it time to leave?  Neither party is sure they can reconnect and overcome the drift and boredom that has caused them to pull apart.

Another scenario is the situation where couples with children still at home have failed to maintain placing a priority on their relationship and have not protected their “coupleness.”  The focus has largely been on the children and careers.  As time has passed and the spouses have grown apart from each other, the resentments have built and small differences have become the source of major disagreements.  Neither spouse is getting what they need from the marriage.

As a last ditch effort in trying to salvage things, they may seek counseling.

Debbie and I have worked with hundreds of couples who fit in one of those two categories.  The details of each couple’s situation are unique, but the basic underlying story and source of difficulty have been repeated often.

If you are at the place in life and marriage where you are trying to determine if you can go on in your relationship and make it into something new, here are some steps to follow. 

To recommit to your marriage is a worthy endeavor, and you must know the following:

• Talk About Expectations.  What is it you want that is different from the way it is now.  Do you know, and can you describe it?  Are there things from the past you want to bring back into the marriage?  Do you have a new set of thoughts and ideas about what your marriage looks like?  This is an important place to begin in recommitting to your marriage.  
  
  The best case scenario is for both of you to think this through and come up with a definite picture of what your relationship will look like and how it will work when you recommit and make it new.
  
  
• Listen To Each Other.  Chances are you really do not hear much of what your spouse has been saying to you for a long time.  There may be good reasons for this due to the hurt and resentment you feel.  Once you make the decision to recommit to your marriage, you have to find a way to forgive, deal with the hurts, and put them behind you.  This may even be another step in the process.  
  
  It is your job to get yourself to the place where you can listen to your spouse so you understand what it is he/she needs from you.  You will likely need to seek their forgiveness for ways they have been hurt by you.
  
  
• Compile A List Of Things You Can Do For Your Spouse.  Both of you need a list of tangible things you can do that would have meaning to your spouse.  This needs to be a list of positive actions. When you follow through with these actions, you will say to your spouse; “I love you, I care about you and I want to take care of you.”  
  
  The list should not be things like – Don’t yell at me.  If you are yelling, find a way to tone it down.  The list should be things that help you in life, make things easier and let you know that someone has your back and is watching out for you.
  
  
• Follow Through In Doing The Things On Your List.  You are recommitting to your marriage.  Recommitment means following through with the promise you made at the beginning of your marriage.  You are pledging to be the kind of spouse and partner that your wife/husband wants and needs you to be.  
  
  The “Golden Rule” comes into play here.  The point of the rule is “to do” that is “DO unto others the things you would have them do unto you.”  It is a positive statement of taking positive action regardless of what others do.  It places the responsibility on you to take action in treating others exactly the way you would like to be treated.  This step is where the rubber really meets the road.
  
  
• Take Some Time Away As A Couple.  You absolutely MUST set aside time to be together.  It can be a weekend away, a day or an evening off.  It must become a regular part of your life.  It is time to begin dating your spouse again.  To reconnect and keep connected, it is vital that date nights and time away become a regular part of life.  Find the system that works for you, so that it is ALWAYS on the radar and REGULARLY on the calendar.
  
  
• Talk About Your Dream And Vision For Your Marriage. It is important to keep the picture in front of you regarding what you want and need from your marriage.  This is not only what you want for yourself, but what you want for each other.  Keep the goal out in front of the relationship and don’t stop striving for it.
  
  
• Continue To Be Intentional.  Chances are things got out of control in your lives and marriage because things just got out of control!  Life has a way of taking over for us if we do not find a way to keep a sharp focus on particular priorities.  There are tons of people who are very willing to plan our time, disrupt our lives and take over the driver’s seat if we don’t assume control ourselves.

Your marriage is important to you and deserves attention to keep it on track, productive and fulfilling for both of you.  “Life Happens” and there are times that other priorities supersede our commitment to be together or go on a date.  A marriage begins to deteriorate when we allow that to become the rule rather than the exception.  Make it the exception.  The new rule is to protect your marriage and the time you have together at all costs.

Recommitment to a marriage is work.  It takes time and energy.  If you want to take the steps to breathe new life into your marriage but need help, call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will help you figure out how you can recommit to your marriage so a happier, healthier future awaits you AND your spouse!

The post 7 Ways To Recommit To Your Marriage & Fall In Love Again appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

We would have trouble counting the times we have encountered this issue with couples we have helped over the years.  The question we hear after listening to the description of a boring marriage is often twofold.  1.  We hear the questions, Can we turn this marriage around and 2.  How do we improve our marriage?

Our answer is YES – you can turn your marriage around. There are definite steps you need to take to improve your relationship and bring new life to a boring marriage. 

To do so the following steps will help.

• You acknowledge that your marriage is not OK, in fact, that it is boring. It is better if both of you agree that this is true and more difficult (although not impossible to change it) if only one of you believes this.  
  
  
• At least one of you needs to be committed to changing things.  A simple acknowledgment that you are bored in your marriage will not change anything.  If there is to be new life breathed into your relationship, it will require effort from at least one of you.  
  
  It will take a determined commitment to break out of old patterns that have been a way of life for many years.  If you want change, you HAVE TO make a decision that you will do the work needed.
  
  
• It will help if your spouse will agree to “play along” with your efforts at change. As stated before, it is much better if both spouses are involved in the process of improving your marriage.  However, if only one of you is assuming the majority of the responsibility of initiating change, you need agreement from your spouse to “play along” with you. 
  
  You need your spouse to agree to join you in the change that you are working to bring to the marriage.  
  
  
• You must identify and break up some of the old routines. One reason that things can become boring is that we do the same things in the same way month after month and year after year.  
  
  What are patterns and routines each of you practice that keep you apart, shut out the other or just don’t have much meaning any longer.  Break up those routines with new ideas and ways of doing things.  This may even require you to give up something that has been a part of your life but prevents you from doing something together.  
  
  Don’t feel that you have to give it up completely, but initiate some change.
  
  
• You need to agree to honestly encourage each other to step out of your comfort zones.  Genuine change in the relationship may require each of you to step out of your comfort zones to try or to get involved in something new.  
  
  Your resistance to do this in the past may be one of the contributing factors to your boring marriage.  To change it, you have to change, and you MUST be willing to try things you may have resisted in the past.
  
  
• You need to do something different. The patterns of thinking and behavior the two of you have exhibited so far have brought on boredom over the years.  Now is the time to try something different.  
  
  Even if the thing you try turns out to be the wrong thing, it still created some traction for your marriage.  Keep moving and turn things in the right direction and do something different.
  
  
• Agree on a list of new things that you are both willing to try.  If you truly are going to break out of boredom and improve your marriage, it is crucial that you compile a list of new things to do.  This may include activities that you will try, places to visit, and ideas that are outside of your former thought patterns.  
  
  Start a list; put every idea down even if it initially doesn’t seem attractive to one of you.  Check the activity pages in the local newspaper.  Check online for things that are going on in your area or in a place that you want to visit.  
  
  Create a BIG list over time and then discuss the ones you both are willing to try.
  
  
• Compile a calendar of things you are BOTH committed to doing together. A critical part of the process is now making the plans for WHEN you will begin trying something new.  
  
  You have a list.  Pick something and set aside the time to do it.  Now pick another and schedule it in your calendar.  Set the calendar for several months in advance so that other things don’t get in the way of your effort to improve your marriage.

Good marriages are worth the effort.  Getting stuck in a boring marriage does not have to be a forever thing.  Changing a marriage and improving it takes work, but you BOTH will find it was worth it if you will take the steps listed here.  Once things begin to improve in your marriage, keep up the good work and avoid falling back into the old habits that caused a tiresome and lackluster relationship.

If you and your spouse are struggling in this area, have tried to get unstuck and have had not made any progress, we can help.  Before things get any worse, give us a call at 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We’ll help you figure out how you can break out of the boredom you’re currently feeling in your marriage and turn things around for good.   

The post 8 Ways To Improve A Marriage That Has Become Boring appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.