1.  Great couples care deeply for each other. Their actions toward each other prove that they care deeply.  It is more than words. 

The words they speak to each other are continually played out in their actions toward one another. 

They are always there for each other and have each other’s backs.  They do not allow others to speak badly about or act badly toward either of them.  They are respectful toward each other even when they disagree. 

2.  Great couples not only care deeply for one another they express that care often both privately and publicly. Neither partner is one way in public and totally different when alone with their spouse.  They speak well of one another when in public and in private.  They also express kindness toward one another when no one else is watching.  They don’t always have to agree, but they learn how to manage their anger and frustrations in such a way as to not obliterate one another when they are upset. 

3.  Great couples learn to protect one another.

They are looking out for one another on a regular basis. 

They check in on each other just to see how they are doing and if they need anything or just to say “I love you and I know you can get through your difficult day!”  They never put one another intentionally in harm’s way.  They work together on projects and again check in to make sure that the other is ok with whatever they are doing.  They ask questions such as “Do you need anything from me?” or “Do you need my help?”  This is not begrudgingly done but is done because they want to protect and do whatever they can to lighten the load for one another.

4.  Great couples have learned to listen to each other. They are willing to stop what they are doing and really pay attention to what the other is saying.  Listening is not as easy as most people believe it to be.  You probably think that you can do many things and still hear what someone is trying to say, but sadly, you miss a lot of what is being said because you are too busy with your own stuff to stop and really attend to the other.  Great couples have learned that real communication is about stopping and listening to one another. They listen for the words used, the feelings behind the words, and ask if there is something they can do to help their spouse.

5.  Great couples have figured out conflict resolution that works for the two of them.

Even great couples have times when they do not agree. 

They have times of conflict but have figured out how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way.  Frequently, couples choose to either to clam up or blow up at each other when conflict arises.  One person may clam up and pull away while the other goes ballistic, yelling and screaming and saying all types of unkind things.  Sometimes both people choose to continue to raise their voices and scream and yell at each other.  Nothing gets accomplished with this type of arguing or with the clamming up type of disagreement.  When couples choose  to clam up or one of them chooses to clam up, they might go for days or weeks without really communicating with each other.  They may discuss, briefly, what is going on with the kids or what the schedule of events is but never really talk about what the disagreement is about.  After awhile, they begin talking to each other and pretend the issue doesn’t  exist.  The problem with this thinking is that the problem is not resolved and has gone underground to be fueled and brought up during the next disagreement.  Great couples don’t let this happen.  They work at resolving conflict as it comes up.  They learn what works best for them.   It may be that they have to take breaks or time outs during their discussions.  They agree to come back to the discussion in a reasonable amount of time and try again. 

They learn how to give toward each other and not become stubborn and dig in and expect to always get their way. 

They learn to make some decisions together and try them out.  They agree to come back to the drawing table and start again if something doesn’t work.  They also learn to each take responsibility for their part in the conflict and don’t play the “blame game.”

6.  Great couples praise and thank one another all the time. They use their manners with one another.  Manners are not just for use with people outside the home. Manners are for all of us to use all of the time with everyone!!!!! Saying please to your spouse is a big deal and saying thank you is also a big deal. Couples expect their children to use good manners and to be polite to each other and to their parents, as well as when they are away from home.  Children are taught by example.  Couples who want their children to be mannerly must show how to be mannerly by being mannerly toward each other.  People often become complacent and rattle off commands or demands without asking in a polite way.  They also forget to say thank you for things that seem to be routine or mundane, but a thank you for fixing dinner or making the breakfast shakes or doing the grocery shopping or the laundry, going to work, taking care of the children, etc can really help each person to feel appreciated for the things they do. 

It is also important to praise one another when you see that your spouse has done something really well or tried something that was really hard for them, or made a meal that really “rang the bell,” etc. 

Unsolicited praise that is sincere really can boost one’s morale and can help one to keep persevering at something that is difficult.  Great couples have learned the significance of using praise appropriately and also manners.  They make a choice to work hard at showing appreciation and praise as often as they can. 

7.  Great couples make it their business to find out what is important to one another and then make it a practice to do those things often. Many times the things that are important to another person are not a priority to you or even on your radar at all.  When you marry, it  becomes part of your life together to get to know your spouse even better than you believe you already do.  When your spouse expresses an interest in something or a need for something in the marriage relationship, it becomes important to pay attention and do whatever is necessary to help your spouse in those areas.  You don’t have to be a superhuman and do everything perfectly all the time.  That is not the objective. 

The objective is to pay attention and to make some things happen for your spouse even if you are not the least bit interested in them. 

One somewhat simple example is bringing your wife flowers, just because.  Often she is thinking she would love to have flowers but maybe you don’t have a clue.  If she talks about it, then you know that it is important to her.  It could be that your spouse is really into some sport and you could take it or leave it. However, it becomes important for you to show some interest in it either by participating or by at least giving some support and encouragement to them.  These are only two examples, but obviously, there are many other things that can be a part of this. 

8.  Great couples have learned how to be honest with each other about their thoughts and feelings.

Great couples are able to express their thoughts and feelings to each other without fearing the other person’s reactions to them. 

They don’t fear not being listened to or heard, being put down, their spouse becoming defensive, etc.  It is hard to learn how to listen and not become reactive to what someone else is thinking or feeling.  Often, people feel the need to defend themselves and come up with all the reasons why the other person is wrong to think or feel what they are thinking or feeling.  Sometimes in that defensive mode, a person also becomes demeaning toward the other.  When these kinds of things happen, people tend to not share much about what they are thinking or feeling.  They may begin to hide things and hide the truth about a situation.  They may convince themselves that it is ok to “lie” about something or leave out some of the details so as to avoid someone else’s reaction to the truth.  Great couples work hard at learning how to communicate truthfully with one another in a loving caring way.  They learn to speak the truth in love not to hurt the other person but to build each other up.  

If you would like to become a great couple but are having some difficulty developing the qualities of a great couple, we can certainly work with you to help you figure that out.  We have experience and expertise in the area of being a great couple.  We don’t have all the answers and don’t always hit the mark ourselves, but we are definitely learning how to be a great couple and how to maintain that in our marriage.  We are very open to sharing that with other couples to help them have more successful marriages and to become really great couples. 

If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post The 8 Qualities Of A Great Couple appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

These are common questions for those committed to long-term marriages. In fact, the flames of passion can start to wane within a few years. In one study, 75% of couples said that their relationship was losing its passion and that it began 3 ½ years into the marriage. Only about one in four couples said that the passion in their marriage was still fresh and exciting.

Can passion be rekindled in a marriage once it starts to vanish? Do couples ever really regain it again? Our answer is a definite yes! You can regain and rekindle passion in your marriage, but to do so you will need to be intentional about it. You must be willing to give it some time. Here are ways in which you can begin to rekindle passion in your relationship.

• By thinking through and talking about your expectations. The flames of passion likely did not die out quickly in your marriage. Usually, couples notice things changing a little at a time. Turning things around can take time and will involve effort. Set aside some time to have an honest evaluation with your spouse regarding the current state of your marriage. Be sure to lay the groundwork so that this does not become a complaint session. 
  
  What you want to get to is the TRUTH! What is the truth about how each of you feels regarding the presence or lack of passion in your marriage? What do each of you miss and what do you each want? Talk about your expectations and determine as a couple that you will both commit to doing the things that will help to rekindle the passion you have lost.
  
  
• By Holding hands more often. An easy place to begin is by holding hands more often. When was the last time you held hands together? Make it a point and be intentional about holding hands. You can do this while riding next to each other in the car, taking a walk, going shopping together or even sitting in your living room or at the kitchen table. Take a moment, reach over and take her hand into yours and hold it.
  
  
• By Flirting with your spouse. How long has it been since you flirted with your spouse? Remember those cute little things you did, the looks you gave and the secret little messages you used to say I want you? Don’t stop flirting with your spouse and if you have stopped – bring it back. Bring back those quick and fun touches that brought excitement in the past. Send a flirty text (and make sure it is not a group text). Say the things you used to say to communicate that you can’t wait until you can be alone with your spouse. Brag about your spouse in front of others. Be sexy again.
  
  
• By Investing more in your relationship. When the flames start to die out, you can begin to reawaken them by making a premeditated effort at investing in your spouse. In Matthew 6:21, Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (NIV). What I get out of that is that your heart will follow the things that you have invested in. It does not matter whether the investment is money, or time or energy. Your heart will maintain an interest and have some “feelings” for the things you invest in. 
  
  If passion is dying out, start an investment program. Be intentional about investing or reinvesting in your spouse. Go out of your way to do things for and take care of her. If necessary make a list of “the top ten caring things you can do for her.” If you have trouble coming up with 10, then make a list of 5. Begin doing them regularly. 
  
  If you can’t come up with anything, you should make a date with her and ask her to help you make a list of positive things you can do for her that she would like. Then do it!
  
  
• By Sharing secrets together. How long has it been since you shared a secret that was just between you and your spouse? The big idea here is that you have shared experiences or plans that no one else but the two of you knows about. Is there a place that you had a make out session or made love together that was romantic, exciting and was a spontaneous event that you both were surprised happened? 
  
  If that has not happened in awhile, work at pulling it off in the near future. Find cute ways to remind each other about that time that will not embarrass your spouse, but will help to keep the excitement alive. The secret is known only by the two of you.
  
  
• By Initiating more affectionate touch. Purposely and regularly initiate affectionate touch. This does not mean grabbing and groping and obvious sexual touch. There can be a place for sexual touch, but that is not the point here. Affectionate touch is touching in ways that would not embarrass your spouse if others were around. It says, I am thinking of you. 
  
  It can be a hand brushing across the back or shoulder or arm or hand as you pass by. It can involve just putting your hand on the other’s arm while you are sitting and talking. It can involve a firm hug in which you hang on just a little longer and squeeze just a little tighter. It could be that you put your arm around him or her when sitting next to each other and pull them close for a minute or two. This kind of touch is done at times when there is no chance of being sexual right then, but it can certainly set the stage for sex and passionate intimacy later in the day.
  
  
• By setting aside time to be intimate. Passion will decline often simply because of the gravity of life. Children need attention; job demands spill over into evening and weekend hours; tasks need to be done around the house; volunteer activities take more time than you thought they would. The list goes on and on and before you know it, there is little or no time OR energy to spend together and share your passion for each other. 
  
  Be deliberate and intentional about saving or planning chunks of time when the two of you can be intimate with each other. Plan it out if necessary; keep it a secret; flirt about it. NO MATTER WHAT, follow through with it! Enjoy and cherish the private times you have reserved for each other.

Yes, you can rekindle the passion in your marriage. If you will conspire and scheme together and be consistent in your efforts; over time you will find the passion and excitement for each other and your marriage fanning into flames again. It may even be faster than you thought possible. Get to work at it, and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

If you like the thought of re-igniting the spark in your marriage but have about given up, call us. If you have spent a number of months or even years in a relationship desert, it becomes more and more difficult to hold on to hope that things will ever change. Take a moment and give us a call at 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. Together we can figure out how you can rekindle the passion in your marriage so you get back on the road to a happier life with your spouse. 

The post How To Rekindle Marriage Passion appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

Debbie and I have a GREAT relationship together.  We by no means have the perfect marriage, but we both agree that most of the time it really is great.  We like being together, spend a lot of time together and do lots of activities together.  We have fun being together, virtually every day. 

Here are some things that we learned in the process of becoming a great couple:

• Make the decision together that your marriage is going to be awesome.Start at the beginning with a decision that no matter what, the two of you are going to have a great and an awesome marriage.  Make the decision!  Make the decision together!  Sit down together or go on a walk together and talk about your marriage.  Make a joint agreement that your marriage is going to be great regardless of the things that life throws at you. 
  
  The first step is making a commitment that the two of you will be awesome together.
  
  
• Think and plan ahead ways each of you individually and together can nurture your relationship!  This will not be a one-time event but rather an ongoing process.  Great marriages require forethought and planning.  If you do not think and plan ahead and thereby protect your time together as a couple to do the things you both enjoy, other people and other priorities will fill up your life quickly. You will find you have no time for each other.  
  
  You will need to learn how to build this into your lives and your thinking so that you are continually planning ahead and deliberately setting aside time for ONLY the two of you.  Make it a priority.  Learn how to always keep it on the radar and in your schedule.
  
  
• Understand that it is not selfish to protect, nurture and continually work at building your marriage.  We have learned that there is a great payoff for making the relationship a priority and keeping it one.  Life is not always easy. When “Life Happens;” it can sometimes be difficult and painful.  Having a spouse who not only “gets you,” but whom you know is also solidly in your corner and on your side is a HUGE help and blessing.  
  
  You can each handle about anything that happens in life when you have done the hard work to make and maintain a great marriage.
  
  
• Make it a priority to express gratitude frequently. I did not come from a family that expressed gratitude much, so I did not learn how to do it very well.  I actually learned this from our son.  As a young boy, I would hear our son thank his mom for supper, tell her how good it was and thank her for many other things.  It really impressed me, and I decided that I needed to learn how to do that too.  
  
  We now thank each other many times each day, many times just for some of the simple things that one of us does for the other – such as bringing a cup of coffee to the home office, or getting out the vitamins for the next day, or getting the bed ready, etc., etc.  Even though we do it all the time now, it has not gotten old, it still feels good every time I hear it and puts a little money in the bank with me for the next time I take on a small task for my wife.
  
  
• Conduct an annual review.  Years ago I used a daytimer type product called Geodex, long since gone.  There was a page titled “Life Goal Planner,” and it had very important areas of life listed.  There was a place to write a few goals in each area, a spot to put the target date, and also a place to list how the goal would be measured.  
  
  We have always had an annual review of our marriage, family and life.  I will write more about this in another blog at another time, but we both are convinced that this has been a key ingredient in helping us to live up to our decision many years ago to have a great marriage.  Come up with a plan for a review of your relationship.  It is a time to dream dreams and make big plans and to chart mid-course corrections.
  
  
• Read one marriage book and or attend one marriage seminar at least every other year. Even the best relationships have room for growth.  You need new input and challenges in order to keep growing.  Find a good book on marriage at least every other year, and get the workbook if there is one.  Read the book and highlight it. Make notes about the things you want to bring into your relationship. You will find that it breathes new life and energy into your marriage.  
  
  If you want a list of good books to choose from, just drop me an email and ask for our book list.  You will also benefit from attending a good marriage seminar every few years.  Put it on your list. When you hear about one, check it out and put it in your schedule.  We conduct marriage seminars a couple of times a year, usually in the Midwest.  Sign up for our newsletter, and you will see any coming events we have planned.
  
  
• Decide to be as positive with each other as you can be. As counselors, we would often hear one spouse say to the other, “you are turning out to be just like your mother, or that is just like your dad.”  Whenever we heard that being said, it was NEVER a good sign.  
  
  That statement was always a remark about some negative trait in the other spouse’s parent that both spouses hated.  It was always a dig, a put down and a very negative way to portray the other spouse.  Everyone has picked up traits that result in negative responses and reactions.  It is your job to be aware of the things you are doing that bring negativity into the relationship and work at rooting them out.
  
  
• Learn how to resolve conflict quickly with minimal messiness.  It is not realistic to think that there will never be conflict in a relationship – even in a GREAT marriage.  While it is difficult at times to predict what will result in causing a conflict, it is predictable that there will be conflict from time to time.  Great couples learn how to resolve conflict quickly and not allow it to drag on and on.  Great couples make a commitment to learning how this works in their particular relationship and the find that it gets better and better as time goes on.  
  
  Conflicts don’t flare up as often or become as big and don’t last as long.  We accepted long ago that conflicts between us can be a little messy, but we have learned how to keep them shorter, resolve them faster and not allow them to get as messy as in the past.  You can do the same. As you do so, you will be well on your way to becoming a Great Couple.  We have other blogs and articles on conflict that can give you some guidance.

Great marriages are always a “work in progress.”  To be a great couple involves a commitment from both of you. It requires you to subsequently continue work on the relationship resulting from both a husband and wife that have placed a priority on nurturing their marriage.

We have been in the business of being a great couple for 40+ years. We have spent our entire professional lives helping others find it too.  If you are stuck in a marriage that is unfulfilling and keeps holding out hope that it can turn a corner, now is the time to take a step in that direction.  Call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation to learn more about your situation and to find out if we are a good fit to help you have a GREAT marriage.

The post How To Become A Great Couple appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.

If we do a good job of it, she won’t want to leave.  If we do a medium job of it, she is likely to stay put.  If we do a poor job of it, she may struggle with leaving, but will someday pull it off.  If we put a priority on making the place next to us as the best place for her in the world (at least most of the time) she will never want to leave.

• Next To You Will Be A Great Place To Be When:  You know you are determined to make it the best place.  Now that you are familiar with this saying, and if it makes sense to you – make a conscious decision that you will do your best to make next to you the best place to be.  As a veteran of 43 years of marriage, AND from a couple of decades of experience in counseling couples; I know that it pays off.  
  
  That is right – guys – there is a payoff to taking care of your wife.  When she feels loved and cared for and feels safe and secure in the relationship – she will want to take care of your concerns and needs as well.  While there are always exceptions to every rule, the rule I found to be true more times than not is that a wife who knows and feels she is loved will not have difficulty loving back.  Make a decision, be intentional about ensuring that the place right next to you is the place your wife wants to be.  The next few steps will give some guidance.
  
  
• Next To You Will Be A Great Place To Be When:  You have made strides at eliminating the things that cause your spouse to want to move out of that place.  Most women are not that difficult or complicated to understand – at least on many levels.  Women are usually clear about the things that they don’t like or want to be changed in their marriage.  
  
  Men do not always pay attention or give it enough credibility but, by and large, most women have a way of letting their man know when they are unhappy, unsatisfied, disappointed, scared or feel overburdened with responsibility.  There is an old joke in which a man says “Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in three places.”  The Doctor responds, “Well, then stay out of those places!”  
  
  Pay attention to the things that hurt, annoy, disappoint and crush your spouse and then work hard at eliminating them from your marriage. 
  
  
• Next To You Will Be A Great Place To Be When:  You continue to work at communicating effectively with your spouse.  It seems like almost every couple we have worked with in our counseling practice has indicated that they need help with communication when they seek help.  There are so many reasons that this is true.  
  
  It may have to do with our background, family of origin, previous relationship experiences, hurts we have endured inability to clearly state a problem and on and on it goes.  It is common for couples to have problems at times in communicating clearly to each other.  If you want your wife to desire to stay next to you, learn how to communicate your thoughts and feelings clearly to her.  
  
  While you are at it, learn to do it in a way that is not offensive, brash and “in your face.”  She wants you to talk to her like she is your friend – just like you did years ago when you first spent time together.  If necessary get a good book on the topic or attend a marriage seminar and ramp up your ability to listen to and talk to her.
  
  
• Next To You Will Be A Great Place To Be When:  You have placed a priority on doing the things your spouse needs in order to feel loved.  An assignment we have sometimes given to couples is to make a list of “The Top Ten Caring Things You Could Do For Your Spouse.”  Without asking her about it, what things could you jot down right now that you have heard that she would like from you?  
  
  Take some time and compile the list over the course of a week or so.  Listen to what she says she would like, the ways you could help out, the things that would mean a lot to her.  It could range from taking out the trash and bringing in the mail to taking charge of supper, cleaning up the dished or arranging for her to have a night out.  Give it some thought, pay a little attention and she will lead you right to her list – you just have to pay attention and listen.
  
  
• Next To You Will Be A Great Place To Be When:  You conduct occasional “Best Place” reviews and make any mid-course corrections that are needed.  Specify a date night or even better, do this on an overnight or weekend getaway.  Set aside some time in which each of you has 15 to 20 minutes to think about your lives, marriage, and family.  
  
  Write down some thoughts about your expectations, desires, dreams and vision of the future.  Note also the things that need attention in order to bring them up to par.  You should discuss areas such as career satisfaction, wealth and financial goals, housing, personal development, close personal relationships, how your children are doing in life and others that are important to each of you.  
  
  Do this at least once a year and make it a positive and forward-looking exercise and not a gripe session.

As a husband, you have a lot of power in creating a life together with your wife that is satisfying and fulfilling for BOTH of you.  You can’t fix everything that is going on inside of her and it is not your job to do so.  You can work on the things that you have control over that affect her sense of well-being.  As you give attention to that goal you are in truth constructing a spot that she will never want to leave.

If you’re ready, take the next step now and call 630-333-3202 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. We will tell you about how our process works and you will come away from that call with the information you need to make a decision about how we can best work together.

The post The Best Place To Be… Quotes On A Happy Marriage appeared first on Couples Counselor & Relationship Coaches Drs. David and Debbie McFadden.